The Best Music Videos of 2010

The new year is upon us once again, which can only mean one thing: The Best Music Videos of 2010 list. Yes folks, the world's most famous year end list is back, and I'll have to say there are a few surprises. Some new faces pop up in the countdown, but a lot of artists from last year are still relevant. One glaring omission, Lady Gaga. Unfortunately, "machine gun boobs" were not good enough to make the countdown (which proves how amazing this year was for videos). Some other artists who almost made the list include: Trina, Mike Epps, Leighton Meester, Kelly Rowland (respect, that Commander video is crazy!) Any hoo, here is our list of the top ten music videos for 2010...

10. Selena Gomez and The Scene-Naturally (Dave Aude Remix): She makes us feel like natural women. Everything comes naturally for her (we can't say the same for her band, The Scene). David Guetta is soooo 2009, 2010 and beyond belongs to Dave Aude.



9. Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber-Eenie Meenie: Justin Bieber eye-fucked his way onto this countdown. The proof is in the video folks. As for Sean Kingston, he ate his way onto the countdown. Eat your hearts out ladies, because if you don't...he will.



8. Miley Cyrus-Who Owns My Heart: Although we wish she would bring back the Party in the U.S.A. vibe, we know that chapter of her life is over. However, we will settle for the bong-smoking, caged bird, club-hopping, scantily clad, raver chick she has grown up to be.



7. Erykah Badu-Window Seat: This video (a great example of artistic expression) tackles numerous hot-button issues, including: political, racial, and sexual. But even Krista Judge can't believe the ass on Erykah Badu. Back, back, back it up and dump it!



6. Nicki Minaj-Right Thru Me: Speaking of backing it up and dumping it...Nicki enters our countdown behind some great artists butt just because she's in the rear, doesn't mean she caused a rumpus when she found out. Ass for the video itself, we wish we could see right thru that shower door.



5. Shakira-Loca: We're loca, loca, loca for this Latin goddess!! As long as she keeps making music and videos, she will be on this list. A one second hip shake would even be enough. When she's 75 and has two fake hips, she will still be on here.



4. Rihanna-Rude Boy: Does she sing about anything other than getting fucked anymore? Seriously, she needs a guy with a big one, that knows how to use it, and can go downtown. If 2010 is any indication of the artistic direction her career is heading in...then we are excited and frightened at the same time!



3. Miss A-Bad Girl, Good Girl: Monsieur Pepe le Peu had four words to say about this South Korean pop group's video: FEI. JIA. MIN. SUZY. We don't know you, we don't know you, we don't know you...but we'd riiiike to.



2. Katy Perry-California Gurls: Machine-gun boobs weren't good enough for this countdown but you know what were...Whipped-Cream Boobs! Katy Perry teamed up with SnoopDogg for this summer smash, and it is still melting our popsicles in sub-zero temperatures.




1. Ciara feat. Ludacris-Ride: On the sixth day, God created Ciara's Ride video. On the seventh day, he masturbated.

An Intelligent Discussion About God and the Universe

A recent text conversation between Monsieur Pepe le Peu and myself, began as any normal chit chat would. Just as we were about to end our friendly exchange, it took a turn down an entirely different path. It all basically started with one word: word. From that starting point, a discussion of religion, politics, science, world history, literature, pop-culture, Greek mythology, time travel, and existentialism commenced. All of the following statements are fact-based and can be backed by numerous references.

Alain Charnier: Are you staying down there the rest of the week then?

Mosieur Pepe le Peu: Probably I might come back Monday.

AC: Word.

MP: To our mothers

AC: To all the mothers of the world

MP: To all the mothers of the universe, both human and alien alike.

AC: To God's Mother, the creator of God. Who in turn, created all the human and alien mothers.

(It gets a little contentious here) MP: Shut up you Catholic! This goes out to Big Bang's mother, the mother of all mothers.

AC: Sorry Pepe, but even Big Bang's mother had a mother...

AC: Big Momma Bang

AC: Starring, Martin Lawrence

MP: Sorry Alain, even Big Momma has a mama and a papa. Mama Cass Immortality versus the ham sandwich.

AC: No Need to apologize Pepe but as you already know... The ham sandwich that Mama Cass Immortality so viciously choked on, was once a pig. This pig had a mother, who's father happened to be Babe the Pig. And Babe's mother was married to a pig named Wilbur. You might remember him from Charlotte's Web...

AC: So my point is, the universe was created by Arnold from Green Acres, the father of Wilbur.

MP: You obviously aren't taking the Muslim perspective into account because god would never be associated with pigs. The true god is George Orwell author of...

MP: Animal Farm

AC: I'm familiar with your false idol/demi-god Orwell. As you know, Orwell wrote it in reference to Stalin, who many Russians (god fearing men themselves) feared. So was Stalin the one true God??? Of course not. This was refuted when...

AC: Marty McFly was time traveling in his DeLorean and stopped in 1955. Then Bill and Ted picked him up and traveled to 1948, where they picked up Orwell.

AC: They all then traveled to 1984. This is where they listened to, and loved the album 1984 by Van Halen.

AC: Soon after there was a struggle for the reign of power over men, between one Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth. Roth claimed victory, left the group and released the subsequent single, California Girls.

AC: Written by the real God, Brian Wilson.

MP: This anti-pinko commie bastard libel means nothing, burn in hell with McCarthy. Is God the holy trinity with David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar?

AC: This is all chronicled in Stephen Hawking's book: A Brief History of Time

MP: Everyone knows Brian Wilson was a puppet of the one True God, Charles

MP: Manson

MP: Key point, A Brief History of Time.

MP: What Hawkings didn't know, was that an Event Horizon can bend space, time, and matter. Thus, making Laurence Fischburne.

AC: The holy trinity is the aforementioned Babe, Wilbur and Arnold.

AC: As for Larry Fischburne...

AC: In Greek mythology he's known as Furious Styles, Styles is the father of Tre. Tre had a pack of wild Snow Dogs, he endured a long and arduous Boat Trip to a place known in the modern world as Daddy Day Camp.

AC: The director of this camp was an evil tyrant named Fred Savage.

AC: Savage is called The God of the Little Monsters by the Greeks. He ruled supremely throughout a time period now referred to by historians as, The Wonder Years.

MP: Kevin was his real name. Thus my complex is complete.

AC: You have a Paul but no Winnie Cooper.

MP: Going 100 in my Mini Cooper.

AC: Or a smart car but you're pushin' a cart from King Soopers.

MP: Got it suped up and fit for a king.

MP: Just picked up the last six-pack of Oberon. Fucking heaven

AC: Did you know, Oberon (also spelled Auberon) is a legendary king of the fairies in medieval and Renaissance literature. He is best known as a character in William Shakespeare's play, A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which he is Consort to Titania, Queen of the Fairies...

AC: I'll stop, good beer though.

MP: You bored or what?

AC: Dying of boredom, I copied that last blurb from Wikipedia.

MP: Me too, just got done with a long shift outside of Chicago.

AC: Oh man, I know that stretch.

MP: Worse stretch than Mandingo on a virgin. P.S. Mandingo came up in predictive text.

AC: I have something jumbling in my head with predictive text and protective sex, but I can't connect the dots yet.

Top Ten Coaching Meltdowns of All-Time

Throughout my life, watching coaches meltdown has been an interest of mine. Observing these guys who are usually by the book, guarded, and boring (basically walking cliches) lose their minds is hilarious to me. These men of integrity and supposed class, can transform into Frank Booth on the drop of a dime. So in their honor, I've put this top ten list together.

10. John McLaren-The Seattle manager pretty much sealed his fate with this f-bomb laden rant. He should have just quit right on the spot, like this fast-food employee did...



9. Mike Singletary-Samurai Mike left us this gem when Vernon Davis turned into a cry-baby diva on the sideline. Memo to Vernon: He will "strike down upon thee with furious anger."



8. Avery Johnson-After Game 5 of the 2006 finals, a game in which Dwyane Wade shot as many free-throws as the entire Mavericks roster, Avery Johnson went gangster in his post game presser. When he sternly warned the writer, "don't stutter", I thought he was going to follow-up with, "I hope you find your way down Compton Ave. muthafucka!"



7. Mike Brown-What's so funny??? I'll tell you what's funny, the Celtics went on to mostly dominate the series, eliminating the Cavs in 6 games. Then Mike Brown got fired and LeBron "took his talents to South Beach". No one's career has imploded this suddenly since a certain intergalactic head-hunter went into self-destruction mode. Now that's hilarious!



6. Hal McRae-All it took was this question: "Did you consider Brett for Miller with the bases loaded in the 7th inning?"And McRae turned into a drunken rock-star in a hotel room. He destroyed anything and everything in his path and ended his tantrum by shouting, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it". It was like a skanky crack whore asked him, "Where's my cat?"



5. Kevin Borseth-This could easily be number 1 on the list. The main reason being, he's a women's college basketball coach. That's right, women's college basketball! Nobody cares "how you feel" Kevin, just coach this boring sport and go away. Of course this is the most memorable thing to ever happen in the history of women's b-ball, so maybe we need more of this. Dude is so pissed, it's like somebody stole his fizzy lifting drink or something...



4. Dennis Green- What causes a coach to meltdown? How about this scenario: Your team is leading the Bears by 20 points late in the 3rd quarter, Matt Leinert fumbles and the defense returns it for a touchdown. Then Edgerrin James fumbles and the defense takes it to the house again. But what caused the meltdown? A rookie named Devin Hester (looking like Deion), returned a punt for another 6 to give the Bears the lead and the eventual win. As for Dennis Green, the word ass hasn't been said with such conviction, since this LAPD lieutenant got downright spiritual with it...




3. Bob Knight-The man, the myth, the legend is on top of his game during this presser, where he completely belittles a reporter. Most people would just answer the question but Knight turns it into a comedic performance for the ages. Every coach who blows a gasket owes a little something to the "Maestro of Meltdowns". Imagine going to breakfast with Bob Knight and it's his turn to order, I bet he would act a lot like this Hollywood icon.



2. Jim Calhoun-Famous quote: "My best advice to you, shut up." Picture Calhoun addressing a graduating class at UConn with these inspirational words of wisdom. I wonder if that reporter ever did get some facts and go back and see him? Maybe Mitch and Murray sent Calhoun to that presser just to verbally murder that poor sap.



1. Mike Gundy-The Gettysburg Address of coaching meltdowns. Something that's been forgotten because of this historic rant, Oklahoma State actually won this game (OSU 49-Texas Tech 45, Michael Crabtree had 14 catches for 237 yards and 3 touchdowns for Tech) . In his presser, Mike Gundy decided it was an opportune time to lay out a female writer, who had labeled his back-up quarterback "fat" in a recent article . Boy am I glad she wrote that because Gundy went bananas. "Come after me! I'm a MAN(iac)! I'm 40! To put it bluntly, Mike Gundy is as "mad as hell".

2nd Up: 100 Octane Bar and Night Club

After I stepped on a bride's wedding gown at Tony's rooftop bar (yeah, there was a brand new bride at Tony's) and then barely escaped an ass-whipping by 7 bridesmaids. We decided for some inexplicable reason, to end the night at 100 Octane.

Some of you might be wondering, What and where is 100 Octane? Well, for the longest time it was Suite 152. Located in Old Town Square, it always prided itself as the classier, more sophisticated alternative to other downtown bars. In reality, it was just where the wanksters and fat girls in tight clothes went, before they hit last call at Tony's. With the advent of UFC, energy drinks and a new ownership group, they transformed "the suite" into "the suite on steroids."

As we attempted to enter the club, we were stopped by the doorman. He informed us there is a strict dress code. To gain access into this exclusive club, you have to wear Ed Hardy, Affliction or Tapout tees. Phebus and I both had white tees on, so we asked for the bouncer's magic marker. I proceeded to draw wings, crosses, shapes and squiggly lines on our blank shirts, soon after we headed back to the door. Not only were we allowed in but we also received numerous compliments and inquiries on where we purchased our gear.

When we finally walked through the door, a huge brawl erupted! That, mixed with the large amount of wannabe hustlers, skanks, and garbage techno blaring, reminded me of this scene from True Romance...



Apparently, it's "white boy day" everyday at this club because when we finally got downstairs to the actual bar, we entered a festival of sausage. It looked like a convention of tools and douche bags. The few stragglers (either rail thin or Mo'Nique fat) we did see were up on top of the bar, grinding out of rhythm to the beat.

It was finally time to order and I was definitely ready to drink myself into a stupor. The bartenders looked like UFC fighters, I'd never seen dudes so yoked serving drinks. The one who looked like Brock Lesnar intimidatingly shouted at us, "WHAT DO YOU FUCKIN' LOSERS WANT!?" Sheepishly I responded, " Uh, uh, a Bud Light." He looked at me with hell in his eyes and said, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? HERE, DRINK THIS YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY." He handed me a Monster energy drink, I took the beverage without arguing. Then it was Phebus's turn, "Yeah, I'll take a rum and coke." There was a pause from the ogre as he gathered the information of what Phebus had said. His face began to redden and he reminded me of a tea kettle slowly boiling on a stove top. I kept waiting for steam to blast from his ears but alas he only mumbled, "You guys are un-fucking-believable." The bartender took a glass and filled it with Red Bull, then he poured a 5 Hour Energy in it. He handed the drink to Phebus and solemnly walked away.

At this point, we are somewhat in a state of shock. We're wearing t-shirts that look like a small child's coloring book, we've witnessed a massive brawl and been accosted (and served energy drinks) by an MMA looking bartender. We decide that it's time to get out before something else bad happens and then...I stepped on a guy's shoe as we're leaving the bar.

Now I'm face to face with some d-bag who looks like "The Situation" from that crapfest Jersey Shore. I apologize and start to walk away but before I can get to the door, all hell breaks loose. Me and Phebus are in the middle of a gelled-hair brawl. In a matter of seconds, I'm on the ground and I've been thrown into an arm-bar submission. The greasy meat-head is screaming, "TAP OUT! TAP OUT!" My arm is burning and feels like it's going to snap off. So in desperation I yell out, "I've got HGH!" The meat-head released my arm and holds out his hand to receive the illegal drugs. Luckily, Phebus has asthma and happens to have his inhaler on him. I took the cartridge from him and purposely dropped it on the ground. When the meat-head bent down to pick it up, we ran like Usain Bolt for the front door. After all that nightmarish mayhem, we needed a low-key place to gain our composure... So we headed back to Tony's for last call.

100 Octane:

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

***** Let me just say that this critique was extremely hard to come up with which is ironic due to the nature of the discussion at hand.

Many of you probably know Georgie Porgie as the young lad who is famous from the above title, however the source of this poem comes from George Villiers, a duke of Buckingham. He was a man who was known for his scandals with many a royal ladies and even a few of the gents (King James I).

What the above poem does not tell you is why Georgie Porgie made the girls cry. Yes he kissed them, but the reason why he made them cry is due to the fact that after he had wooed the ladies to his posh quarters and they had begin to lay together (in the biblical sense) he would have a case of the limpies.


Now I can not speak for the authors of this blog having any experience with Georgie Porgie, for we are French and as the world knows to be fact, the French are the worlds best lovers. This statement might be argued by the Greeks, but if they make love like they run their economy I feel we have little to worry about. We the French are as Michael Jackson said "Lovers, not fighters." And so like Michael and the Fab Foursome we will battle the Greeks for top honors.

There are however many a strong and strapping you lads who unfortunately become afflicted the Georgie Porgie syndrome, mostly after partaking in a few too many libations. These young gents (and the key is young, for it is expected that anyone over the age of 65 who collects Medicare experiences the phenomenon on a regular basis) are so hellbent on performing the horizontal mambo that despite lacking a key ingredient the proceed to "stuff it".

If you are still not getting the picture allow me to be blunt. These gents are trying to put a not so hard skin flute into what is hopefully a rather tight area. It does not work this way, yet man is a persistent beast. I have even heard of such events as a Georgie Porgie Orgy

I do not know why this occurs time and time again, maybe because the XY half of the world has too much pride to be stopped at this point. However, all of the women out there implore these men to humble themselves and ask for directions and try not to prolong an already embarrassing situation.

Overall I give a Georgie Porgie one Eiffel Tower cause it is not fun for anyone involved.





P.S.
Ladies if you are at Tony's on a Wednesday night your chances of encountering this unfortunate marvel will be increased exponentially.

Got Milk? Better Yet...Got Wood?

And the answer is yes! I do have wood! So much in fact that I would like to trade some of my wood for some of your wheat, sheep, brick, or ore? If you have no idea where I am going with this I do believe that Klaus Teuber himself would be rolling over in his grave (which would be hard to imagine considering he is still alive and kickin'). My friends, I am speaking of one of the most fantastically fun board games to ever grace the likes of even Ms. Debbie Kim. This game that I am speaking of is Settlers of Catan. Haven't heard of Settlers huh? Ever heard of a little game called RISK? Sure you have! Well, this is still getting us nowhere since Settlers and RISK are about as similar as Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls. Sure, Settlers and RISK are both board games, just like Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls are both Little Debbies. However, one seems to be a little bit sweeter than the other. So, consider if you will a Swiss Cake Roll is to Settlers as a Nutty Bar is to RISK. I have come to find that Settlers is just simply better, tastier, and comes with a creamy-filled happy ending. RISK is indeed a great time and a favorite childhood treat, yet it is a lot longer, comes with an unhappy ending, and just down right makes you go nutty.

Back to the subject at hand. Butt Sets! Lost you again? Have no fear, (Butt) Settlers of Catan, like its delectible friend RISK, is a game of strategy and world domination. It was developed in 1995 by Germany's most respected dental technician, Klaus Teuber. Soon after, little to Teuber's knowledge, he would be known to many as the Santa Klaus of Germany; providing hours of endless entertainment to boys and girls, of all ages, all over the world. But one board game was not enough! He eventually got board of settling Catan and decided to add to his repertoire. Enter in Seafarers of Catan, Cities and Knights of Catan, and Catan: Traders & Barbarians. Now, I will not bore you with descriptions of these games, considering I do not know one single thing about any of them. Fortunately, I do know that because of his accomplishments, Germany set aside a week in the month of October (the week after Oktoberfest to be precise), for our beloved Klaus. Klausteuberfest! After a week of boozin', all anyone wants to do is shack up in the deepest, darkest cave possible, away from the lagers, lushes, and lederhosens. What a better time to reminisce about all the crazy times had during Klausteuberfest with a fun-filled game of Settlers. I call dibs on expansion pack green!

Now, for the very few of you who have never experienced a game of Butt Sets, I will give you a crash course on how to play. Again, like RISK, it is a dice game and the object is to obtain resources in order to build roads, settlements, and cities. For instance, to build a settlement, if I have some sheep, wheat, and brick then all I would need is to muster up some wood and I'm good to go. Unfortunately, I do not have wood :( Luckily my friends Pepe, Alan, and Gerard all have massive quantities of wood! This just made me really excited! Now I can trade some of my ore for a fresh piece of wood. "Ore you going to give me some of your wood for some of my ore?" Deal! The trade is complete and a settlement is made. Now it is time to turn this settlement into a city. If you by chance have three ore and two wheat then, take it Beyonce.....
Lemme, lemme upgrade my settlement into a city. Fantastic! You have got the hang of it now. All you have to do now is build an army, a long-ass road, buy some development cards, and victory is yours. So, do yourself a favor. Go out and enjoy a nice, relaxing game of Butt Sets. After one game, you'll be crawling back for more.

Obviously, Settlers of Catan will be receving 5 Eiffel Towers. In fact, I have so much wood that I will build 5 miniature Eiffel Towers. Funny to think, I still have some leftover wood!?

Oh Snap! We are back: 1st Up Tony's Bar

So it has been awhile, have you all missed us? Who am I kidding, no one looks at this blog except us. Well it is summer time and we are free to post some more random critiques of goodness. My first post has to do with where I spent my first night back in the old home town: Tony's Bar. Now for those of you that know me or those that don't I would rather get shanked than go out to Tony's on any given night. The sad thing is there is a good possibility that I could kill two birds with one stone at this bar. The place is usually crowded with a narrow bottleneck that f's everything up, it also is home to at least 27 different strains of herpes ( National Geographic believes there could possibly be up to 130 more yet unidentified). Most of the guys are as Fiddy Sent said "Wangsters" and the girls look like they came straight from the Hunt Club (no offense Guillaume ). Shoot we should have a disease off between Tony's and the Hunt Club.



Well with that being said (insert Larry David here), most of you would guess that this is a scathing review that will award Tony's just one of Paris' landmarks, however I have seen the light and it is shining down on Tony's rooftop patio.

When Pierre Louvre asked to go out Thursday I figured we would hit the usual BARmuda triangle, but when he haymakered me with a "Tony's" I never saw coming, I was hesitant at best. "Oh dude they have a patio now." Great I bet murder capital of the world Juarez, Mexico has ton's of patios, it doesn't mean I am heading down there anytime soon.

We showed up and low and behold I could walk freely through the bar, which was an unexpected surprise. When we arrived up top we found ourselves in a rather nice looking open patio with an Island type bar in the center. The music was playing but not too loud so I could actually hear myself say "Damn Tony's cleans up nicely!" The patio had a more dressy feel to it although very much casual (shorts and t's allowed) the ladies though were looking good and the drinks were cheap as usual. Since it is outside the evening breeze cools off the crowded area and keeps all the dudes in wifebeaters from getting pit stains on their brand new shirt. The clincher: The bathrooms were unbelievably clean and nice. Compared to the downstairs ones which you were scared to piss in let alone take a girl into. The upstairs are fair game.

Tony's has gotten some body work done and it looks good. Kinda Heidi Motangue like, Oh and if I didn't spell her name right thats cause I could give two shits about her or what ever her problems are.









Tony's Before Patio












Tony's After Patio



















Overall I give Tony's Patio four Eiffels and Tony's downstairs two Eiffels (big step up)

Jay-Z Vs. Raekwon

On September 8, 2009: Jay-Z and Raekwon, two 40-year-old iconic New York rappers, released sequels to their widely popular albums; The Blueprint (one and two) and Only Built 4 Cuban Linx. Both M.C.'s enlisted all-star production teams and frequent collaborators' to ensure that top-notch material was created. One of these album's would surpass all expectations and prove to be an instant classic. The other album went on to massive commercial success and global notoriety. Unfortunately, for the latter the content was largely mediocre. This lead to disappointment and more importantly for me, confusion.

The Blueprint 3:

The Blueprint 3 isn't really a "blueprint" for anything at all. Jay-Z is simply going through the motions here. He's in Kingdom Come mode (maybe Kingdom Come 2 would've been a better title), rapping piss poor rhymes over throwaway beats. His lines are memorable but for the wrong reasons and Jigga constantly talks about his "stats". On the Timbaland produced track "Reminder", complacency takes center stage: "96, '97, '98, '99, 2000, 2001 and beyond/O two, O three, O four, O five, O six and seven, O eight, O nine." Jay just "reminded" us how old he has become. He then continues, "Back to back double plat', I did what you won't/ Men lie women lie, numbers don't." Regrettably, wack lyrics don't lie either as he brags just a few bars earlier--"I crushed Elvis and his blue suede shoes/ made the Rolling Stones seem sweet as kool-aid too." Jay-Z used to have beef with Nas, now he's battling old (or deceased) rocker's Billboard chart numbers. Here is the supposed greatest rapper of all time, counting out years and comparing The 'Stones to kool-aid?

Another glaring issue I have with Hova's lyrical and creative demise, is the song "Young Forever". "Beach Chair" thinks Jay-Z is too self-righteous and stale on this track. He says things like--"Without a wrinkle for today because there's no tomorrow" and "life is for living, not living uptight, see ya somewhere up in the sky." This is like a nursery rhyme you sing to your children at bedtime, not a hip-hop track. It's rap for soccer-moms, Dockers wearer's and people who listen to soft rock [see: Bill Gates]. Some late night caller has probably dedicated "Young Forever" to a loved one on Delilah's radio show.

The grandest indictment of Young Hov really becoming "Old Hov" has to be "Empire State of Mind". The anthem is practically impossible to listen to, and if you've seen the video; virtually unwatchable as well. Memo to Alicia Keys: Take your leg off that piano bench and sit down! Anyways back to the song itself. First off, dude sounds short of breath from the minute the song starts. I was concerned from the very first line when he boasts, "I'ma up at Brooklyn, now I'm down at Tribeca/ Right next to DeNiro but I'll be hood foreva." Tribeca and foreva do not fucking rhyme, even for him that's an incredible stretch. He proceeds to spit, "You should know I bleebloo but I ain't a crip though." Seriously, freaking bleebloo (okay he says, "bleed blue" but it certainly sounds like bleebloo). And a couple verses later he drops the puzzling, "Labor Day Parade, rest in peace Bob Marley." I've contacted philosophers, scientists, professors, language translators and even men of the cloth to understand this phrase. They each gave me the same response, "Huh?" All of his strange rhymes make me ask this question: Does Jay-Z have like a, like a little hand?



Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II:

"Cause I'm not tryin' to just be, sittin' on muthafuckin'
two-hundred thou and act like I'ma be a drug-dealer all my life."

Raekwon, Only Built for Cuban Linx...

It has been 15 years since Raekwon uttered those words on "Striving For Perfection" and not a whole lot has changed. Okay, a lot has changed. The Wu, once the top attraction in hip-hop, are almost an afterthought now (save for Ghostface). That's why it is so amazing that Raekwon has made this follow-up masterpiece to his magnum opus: Only Built 4 Cuban Linx. Chef has only released two solo albums since "the purple tape"(that's what hip-hop aficionados refer to it as), the last being in 2003. The long-delayed album seemed like it would never be released or live up to the name of its predecessor. But Rae did something that Jay-Z should take note of: he used the blueprint that made the first OB4CL a classic.

Raekwon made the cover for the sequel basically identical (only the color is purple instead of red) to the original album. The lettering and words appear the same, as does the picture of Raekwon with Ghostface pointing over his shoulders. The participation of Ghostface is another reason the album is great. The chemistry between Chef and Ghost is still dynamic and the Wu-banger "Gihad" is a perfect example of this. Like The Blueprint 3, some lines left me completely confused (but this time in a good way). Rae boasts on the first verse, "It's late for a dime season, we bought the crib next to Bill Clinton's mother cuz she fuck with the Chinese." I feel like if I try to find out what this means, I might be killed (and that's pretty cool). Then Ghost tells a story about receiving a blow-job from a white girl his son impregnated. This is classic Ghostface spitting rhymes like: "I'm like a crooked cop, Richard Gere big smirk on, gettin' my cock sucked" and "she take a bone like a rib-eye steak at Ruth Chris". The track ends with him punching his son and then demanding he get him a forty from the store. Ghost insists: "Get some bologna for your eye too"and " I don't give a fuck if your 25, you're my son." This is an absolutely timeless song between two long-time collaborators and friends.

Earlier when I said not much has changed, I meant that Rae is still hustlin' and weaving tales of the drug underworld. This helps the album immensely. He shows his hunger track after track, most likely because he is hungry, in fact he's starving. Chef hasn't had a hit record or album in a long time and his ferocity is at an all-time high on "Surgical Gloves." His vivid, grimy-street narratives, paint pictures of violence ("we blow you out your pea coats") and the rewards of dealing ("papers in Aruba, gold tuba from Bermuda"). The grainy, low-budget video is a perfect companion piece for this song...

In 2005, when I first heard he was working on a follow-up to the flawless OB4CL, I passed it off as laughable. Then nearly five years later, it was finally released and I was completely floored. OB4CL2 is darker and more sinister than the original. Any dreams Raekwon had of leaving the street life and going legit never came true. It's an album filled with grizzled veterans, who occasionally come across as bitter. Yet Chef and his cohorts always keep the business-as-usual mentality, because all they do is hustle. The album is a deeply lyrical, heavily-layered crime saga. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II is Raekwon's The Godfather, Part II, a fitting sequel to add to his legacy.

Sadly, The Blueprint 3 is Jay-Z's The Godfather, Part III. Most of the same cast and crew are here but they're older and stagnant. Jay has become soft, turning his back on the streets that made him successful. The first Blueprint album seemed like it happened spontaneously. He had fresh young producers making insane beats (almost battling each other) for his approval. Hov was feeding off that energy. This, coupled with his heavyweight beef with Nas, forged the "blueprint" that constructed his seminal album. Simply having number one albums (and making money) shouldn't be his only ambition. He does have an artistic integrity to keep as well. Maybe Jay-Z should study Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II to help him rediscover his "hustla" roots. Don't forget Hov, the streets is watching.

Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..., Pt. II:



The Blueprint 3 (sorry Skip):