Best Music Videos of '09

This is a list of the very best music videos of the past year (and one or two from '08). These videos are all ground-breaking, inspirational, and influential to the members of this blog. So without further ado here is our top ten list.

10. Pink-Funhouse: "This used to be a funhouse but now it's filled with evil clowns." That sums up Pink's beautiful lyricism in one sentence.




9. Beyonce Feat. Lady Gaga-Video Phone: We hate this video. The song is horrible, the video is bad, Gaga looks like Marilyn Manson, and to quote Pierre Louvre: "Beyonce turned into Tatyana Ali."




8. David Guetta Feat. Akon-Sexy Chick: Every list has to include Akon. If you want to pick up a girl at the bar just say, "I'm trying to find the words to describe you, without being disrespectful".




7. Mike Epps-Big Girls: "Mo'Nique and some wings and I'm good to go."




6. Katy Perry-Hot N Cold: Technically this video was released at the end of '08 but we don't care. Katy Perry has great boobs and nice legs so we made an exception.




5. Yo Gotti Feat. Gucci Mane, Trina, and Nicki Minaj-Five Star Chick Remix: I just had an epiphany...this video is awesome.




4. Shakira-She Wolf: She's goes from goofy to sexy seamlessly. Pretzels wonder how she twists like that.




3. Kesha-Tik Tok: I have awoken many a mornings feeling like P. Diddy. This video perfectly portrays that state of mind.




2. Lady Gaga-Bad Romance: We're gaga for Gaga. Also, Erin Phebus has a lock of her hair.




1. Miley Cyrus-Party in the U.S.A.: Monsieur Pepe Le Peu said it best, "I walk up to Miley Cyrus with American flag boxers on and say, there's a party in the U.S.A." So completely wrong yet somehow right.

"Be That Guy": MacGyver and The Guyver

I had the opportunity recently to watch a treasured B-movie classic. Last Saturday night around 1 a.m., I was reacquainted with The Guyver. The early 90's sci-fi flick was back in all of its grandeur of yesteryear. I watched with unbridled enthusiasm as days of my adolescence were brought to the forefront of my adulthood. While I gazed into the nostalgic window of prepubescent geekdom, I couldn't help but be reminded of another early 90's hero: MacGyver. You remember MacGyver-the leather jacket, the Swiss-army knife, and most of all, the mullet. He was the man our dad's wanted to be and our mom's wanted to be with. So as I reveled in the excellence of The Guyver (and daydreamed of MacGyver), I decided it was only fitting to honor both of these awe-inspiring "guys."

The Guyver is the tale of a college/karate student named Sean Baker (Jack Armstrong) who stumbles upon an otherworldly mechanism simply known as "the guyver." When he comes in contact with the device, it turns him into a bio-mechanical super hero. He then goes on to battle the diabolical Chronos Corporation and its alien-like creatures: The Zoanoids. The story takes off from there but I want to focus on some of the actors who appear in this great film. The head of the Chronos Corporation, Fulton Balcus, is played by former-presidential-nominee-John Kerry-look-alike-David Gale (no relation to the wack Kevin Spacey flick). David Gale of course went instant legend in the undeniably magnificent Re-Animator. Here he teams up with his Re-Animator co-star, the infamous Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs). And just like in that film, Combs plays a slightly loony scientist with a wry wit. It seems the director pays a tongue-in-cheek tribute to Herbert West because in The Guyver, Comb's name is Dr. East. The film is directed by a man simply and poetically known as Screaming Mad George. SMG (what his friends call him) was the special effects guru on films like Predator, Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Silent Night Deadly Night 4, and both Re-Animator sequels (which explains the Gale and Combs connection). Another key actor in The Guyver is none other than one Mr. Jimmie Walker aka J.J. from Good Times. Walker plays Striker, a Zoanoid henchman for the Chronos Corporation. He adds a lot of the comic relief to the film and even drops his world-renowned catch phrase.

The greatest practitioner of the fine arts to appear in The Guyver has to be Mark Hamill. Unless you've been frozen in carbonite for the last 30 years, you know that Mark Hamill gave the performance of a lifetime as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Unfortunately, his role in The Guyver is somewhat of a bit part. He plays detective Max Reed, and he is mostly there to crack "cheesy" one-liners, mostly. Even though he doesn't play the title character, Hamill somehow graces the cover of the DVD as the Guyver [pictured above]. Weird? It's like the producers felt they had to market their major star in order to profit off this cinematic tour de force. Baffling to say the least... The eclectic cast and superb acting they display, might be the main reason this is a sci-fi masterpiece. However, the direction, story-telling, special effects wizardry, and overall heart and soul, really make this a timeless must-see for everyone. That includes our children's children's children (also a Moody Blues album). May The Guyver live on forever.

Angus MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) was the definition of cool in the mid 90's. The aforementioned leather jacket, Swiss-army knife, and mullet are like the holy trinity of coolness. Still the thing that made MacGyver so bad ass, was the way he used incredibly innovative and non-violent methods to defeat his foes. Hell, MacGyver practically invented "thinking outside the box." In fact, he built the "box" out of gum wrappers, a bar of hotel soap, and a cocktail umbrella. MacGyver was so popular his name became a verb. Example: "I had to "MacGyver" my microwave to fix it. I used a light bulb, some tinfoil, and a shoebox, now it's finally working again." But I don't need to keep going on and on about his resourcefulness, just watch for yourself.



The thing that makes MacGyver cooler and greater than other shows though, probably more than anything else is...one of the producers of the show is this "guy."

MacGyver:


The Guyver:

Summer Hits and Summer Misses

It always becomes some form of an argument about capitalism vs. socialism with me. This, in all likelihood, won't be the exception. Yesterday I managed to catch a summer movie double (more like 1.5x) feature. A friend of mine and I went to see District 9 at our local theater, and to spare you all the suspense, let me just say, it's a phenomenal movie. For me, it represented so much more than just being a movie that entertained me. It was a renaissance, of sorts. In the past, This summer, I've seen every major blockbuster hollywood has thrown at me (sans Transformers 2). I've had few regrets with this too, as Star Trek and Harry Potter were great movies. But, I've never really went out of my way to do the research to see movies I'd enjoy. I'd just sort of wait for the popular opinion and go. Having said that, I did my research and have been excited for D9 for some while now. And beyond the fact it was just a great movie, D9 may have been the first major studio movie in a loooooong time that wasn't some sort of recycled idea.

Let me explain. If you look back at the major hits this year, every single one was either a sequel, a book, a cartoon, a comic book, or tv show. We saw some repeat offenders like Transformers, X-Men, Star Trek, Angles and Demons, and Terminator, and I haven't even made it to June yet. So very rarely do we see movies that simply involve a creative guy being given the opportunity to flesh out a major movie from a story conjured up in his mind (think The Matrix). I could be dead wrong in saying this, but it just seems these days, the big studios are much more inclined to give us the familiar names in a shiner, louder, more expensive package.

After D9, we snuck into the final third or so of G.I. Joe, and while watching Marlon Waynes say 'bust a cap' and 'aww hell naw!', it made me realize something. G.I. Joe isn't supposed to be smart, it was designed to entertain me when I was 5 years old. Since then, I've endured 18 years of education, read several books, traveled the country, and ultimately just grown into a whole new educated, jaded, opinionated person. It seems like most (not quite all) of my peers have done the same. So why are these companies trying to sell us something we haven't really enjoyed since we were 5? Why do they just assume we're not up to the challenge of something totally fresh and new?

This is why it bothers me. I'm not entirely sure if a studio makes any more or less money reselling old brands, but it's probably a lot easier. These studios aren't challenging themselves, so they're sure as hell not gonna challenge me. Remember how fresh and exciting The Matrix was when it came out? What are the Wachowski brothers up to now? Putting out a Speed Racer movie.

I'll end it with this. Eventually (hopefully), hollywood will run out of graphic novels and Dan Brown books, and we'll get tired of seeing Batman and Spiderman sequels. So what then? Do the innovative, inciteful, and artistic scripts for action/adventure movies only come around once a decade? Or will the studios actually start letting guys like J.J. Abrams get a little elbow room to take a chance on something original? Only time will tell I guess.

District 9 - Smart, action packed, thought-provoking

G.I. Joe - If Marlon Waynes isn't a white girl or a baby, it must suck

Water World: Denver's Oasis

Water World where the water flows like wine and the 16yr olds flock like the salmon of Capistrano. There is not a finer place in all of Colorado to ask your self "Huh, I wonder if she is eighteen" or "What kind of hormones are they putting in the food these days" Personally follow my rule of thumb which is to follow Chris Rock's rule of thumb.

Besides that it is a great way to spend the day cooling off when all the 9-5ers are stuck in their glass and brick cages. Bring in some food and drink (No alcohol wink wink). Or head outside and hit up the Little Ceasers for $5 Dollar Hot and Readys. Mmmmmm.

I would have to say that the two best ways to spend your time there are to kick your friends ass by touching the top of the half pipe slide. Plus all the ladies, key here is ladies, not girls, get a little wetter from watching you perform such a daring feat.

The other thing that comes highly recommended is blasting families and small children in the face with water guns and hoses. Situate yourself around the toilet bowl ride and have at it. You can make more kids cry than this guy.















Plus you can't really tell cause you just wash their tears away with your high pressure water toys. This can provide hours and hours of entertainment for the whole family, or at least you. Yes the life guards will ask you to quit but they are only 16 themselves and if you give them a look like this they will leave you alone.








I give Water World 4 Eiffels due to immense amounts of fun, but no alcohol allowed and lack of age appropriate women, oh yeah and the life guard that yelled at me.

Away We Go Laughing Our Asses Off

Ah John Krasinski. Such an adorable lovable guy. Ladies love him cause he is sweet and has waited patiently to knock up Pam Beasley. Guys love him because while kinda a nerd, is the coolest guy in the office. Hiding cell phones in ceilings, connecting wire from Dwight's PC to the telephone pole, asking which bear is best. Classic.

And now that he has moved onto the big screen he has made another classic. Sam Mendes of American Beauty fame directed this funny warm movie about two "fuck ups" trying to find their niche in this world as their baby is on the way. The screen play was written by Dave Eggers who you should know of unless you live in a crack house. Eggers wrote The Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius, You Shall Know Our Velocity, What Is the What?, and the screenplay for Where the Wild Things Are, which will receive 5 Eiffels because Spike Jonze can do no wrong. Yeah and all of those books are good, better than good, better than great, they are whatever comes after great.

Opposite John (playing Burt) is Maya Randolph ( playing Verona) who is from Saturday Night Live. Sorry I don't know shit about her, cause I stopped watching SNL when it stopped being funny.

Burt and Verona moved to Colorado so Burts parents (Catherine o'Hara, and Jeff Daniels) could help out with the baby. When the parents have other plans the couple decide to travel America and gasp, even Canada looking for the utopia to raise their soon to be flesh anchor.

I was seriously laughing for most of the movie whether it was Burt "cobbling" or Burt stealing a child and putting it in a stroller, Burt trying to find Verona's Va JJ. See a common theme here; Burt

John Krasinski was awesome in this movie as were his supporting characters. Jim Gaffigan is hilarious and still very very pale even after living in Arizona. Even Maggie Gylenhyal or what ever is good in her part, and most times I don't really like her. Maya Randolph, not so much. I see why I stopped watching SNL. She has her times but they are far and few. I guess she was cast for the seriousness.

I don't like giving out to many plot summaries as they tend to ruin the movie, so go in blind and just know it is funny and worth your money.







I give Away We Go 5 Eiffels for being one of the funniest movies not to come from Judd Apatow

There Will Be True Blood

The Wire. Sex and the City. Curb Your Enthusiasm. These are just a few TV series that have been popularized on the hip and fresh TV channel HBO. Over the years this station has been pumping out amazing series and last year was no exception. In September 2008, True Blood premiered and unexpectedly shocked and wowed its viewers. The first few episodes were good to the say the least, but as with new series, it took some dedication to get familiarized with the characters and the plot of the show. As the acting grew stronger and the plot became more interesting I can easily say I was hooked. There's fantasy, lots of violence, and sex. Did I mention there's blood. There's human blood and there's an Asian developed beverage called True Blood that keeps vampires from having to kill. I have to say, the Twilight crew would be a lot cooler if they drank this tasty asian creation.

So, it is summer 2009 and season 2 is in high gear. Sookie Stackhouse, played by the new and improved sex-charged Anna Paquin, is living in the not so quiet town of Bon Temps (meaning "good times" in my native language) and dating the neighborhood vampire, Bill Compton. You would think that these two are having some crazy bon temps, but there is some blood boiling that is about to spill out all over the town. Jason, Sookie's brother, has become a member of the Fellowship of the Sun Church and has enrolled into the Light of Day Institute, or more commonly known as LODI. And yes, Lodi Dodi they like to party. They do cause trouble and they are as cheesy as dill havarti. There are also some new fascinating characters that also like to party, such as the mysterious Maryann Forrester and the dim-witted waitress Daphne. Maryann is an unknown being that throws one hell of a party, likes to get busy on the dance floor, and rolls insanely massive joints. Daphne has revealed to have the same shape shifting powers as her boss and Merlotte's owner Sam, which has obviously brouht them somewhat closer. They hang out in the buff and then like to frolick in the woods as animals. Unfortunately, we get to see more of her gross back claw scars then we do of her unseen breasts. Breasts that could give Anna Paquin a run for her boob job money.

Nevertheless, True Blood, seems to rarely dissapoint. OK, the whole Fellowship of the Sun plot is unbearable at times, but you know that the church and vampire war is inevitible. Other than that we are getting crazy sex orgies and blood covered boning thrown at us week by week. Who can complain about that? Also, just knowing that Sookie may be in another nude scene is good enough reason for me to stay tuned.

True Blood will receive 5 Eiffel Towers. One for every erected Eiffel Tower I receive when Anna Paquin shows the goods. Job well done to you Anna! And by job well done, I mean boob job.

Rocky vs. Rambo (The Sensitive Side)

When we think of action heroes certain names come to mind-Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal, and of course Sylvester Stallone. These tough guys are known for breaking bones, lots of stuff, and hearts on the regular. However, what is sometimes lost in the mix of explosions, gun-fire, fighting, and more explosions; is the sensitivity the above mentioned "bad asses" convey in a great deal of their films. One man in particular summons these emotions better than the rest, and that man is; Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone.

Stallone struggled early on in his career playing small roles, starring in B-movies, and even dabbling in soft core porn...but the break of a lifetime was just around the corner. Inspired by the Muhammad Ali/Chuck Wepner fight (and some say Jake LaMotta, we won't get into that) Stallone wrote a little screenplay entitled Rocky. Rocky was a critical and box office hit that single-handedly launched Stallone to super stardom. He went on to star in other great films like Rhinestone, Oscar, and the now classic Stop! Or My Mom will Shoot.

But First Blood is really where his sensitive side came to fruition. In First Blood he plays John Rambo, a super bad ass-green beret-Vietnam vet looking for one of his friends from the war. He soon discovers that his friend is dead so he travels to a small town. This is when Rambo is harassed and arrested by the sheriff (Brian Dennehy), then tormented and beaten by his cronies. The flashbacks he has of torture prove too much for Rambo and he snaps. Police chases, man-hunts, and Rambo going "guerrilla war" on that ass ensues. Except we don't truly see the emotional breakdown of Rambo until the end of the film. By this point, Rambo has blown up most of the town and is holed up inside the police station. Then Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) enters and tries to talk Rambo into surrendering. Watch the clip here. When Stallone says, "I can't find your fucking legs," he isn't acting anymore, he becomes John Rambo! Stallone is completely lost in the emotion and sadness of his friend being blown to pieces in front of him. Gut-wrenching stuff to say the least and just one example of the softer side of Stallone.

Let's explore another touching moment of Stallone's acting career with Rocky III. Rocky III is probably my favorite of the franchise. It has everything you could ask for- Hulk Hogan as Thunder Lips, the Eye of the Tiger theme song, and best of all Mr. T. as boxing nemesis Clubber Lang. The movie picks up where Rocky II left off when Rocky beats Apollo. It shows all the money, fame, and glory of being the champ. Basically in this film, Rocky blows up. He's got endorsements, a pinball game, the mansion, the nice cars (not the robot yet, that comes in IV) essentially everything he's ever wanted. Clubber Lang, played masterfully by Mr. T., coaxes him into a fight by harassing Adrian (Talia Shire) at Rocky's statue unveiling/retirement press- conference. Rocky is all glitz during his training and not focused on the fight, this drives Mickey (Burgess Meredith) nuts. When the two boxers face off, Rocky gets an ass whipping and Mick's health is so bad he leaves the fight. After getting knocked out, Rocky goes to the dressing room where Mick lays dying. Watch the clip here. Completely devastating. Stallone channels a young Brando mixed with Sloth from the Goonies. That scene was driven on pure emotion and heartache. Once again, Sly showed us that under his tough-looking beefy exterior, is just a sensitive little puppy who needs to suckle the teet of his mother.

The end of Rambo and Mick dying in Rocky III are just two examples of Stallone's acting prowess. He's also played an estranged father/truck driver/arm-wrestler in Over the Top. So we shouldn't look at Sylvester Stallone as just a meat-head action hero. We should delve deeper into his work and find those hidden gems, for instance; the two scenes I've reviewed here. And not just in his work but other action stars performances as well-Van Damme in Lionheart or Seagal in Hard to Kill. Thus I believe the moral of the story is this: No matter how tough you are, it's okay to cry.