Got Milk? Better Yet...Got Wood?

And the answer is yes! I do have wood! So much in fact that I would like to trade some of my wood for some of your wheat, sheep, brick, or ore? If you have no idea where I am going with this I do believe that Klaus Teuber himself would be rolling over in his grave (which would be hard to imagine considering he is still alive and kickin'). My friends, I am speaking of one of the most fantastically fun board games to ever grace the likes of even Ms. Debbie Kim. This game that I am speaking of is Settlers of Catan. Haven't heard of Settlers huh? Ever heard of a little game called RISK? Sure you have! Well, this is still getting us nowhere since Settlers and RISK are about as similar as Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls. Sure, Settlers and RISK are both board games, just like Nutty Bars and Swiss Cake Rolls are both Little Debbies. However, one seems to be a little bit sweeter than the other. So, consider if you will a Swiss Cake Roll is to Settlers as a Nutty Bar is to RISK. I have come to find that Settlers is just simply better, tastier, and comes with a creamy-filled happy ending. RISK is indeed a great time and a favorite childhood treat, yet it is a lot longer, comes with an unhappy ending, and just down right makes you go nutty.

Back to the subject at hand. Butt Sets! Lost you again? Have no fear, (Butt) Settlers of Catan, like its delectible friend RISK, is a game of strategy and world domination. It was developed in 1995 by Germany's most respected dental technician, Klaus Teuber. Soon after, little to Teuber's knowledge, he would be known to many as the Santa Klaus of Germany; providing hours of endless entertainment to boys and girls, of all ages, all over the world. But one board game was not enough! He eventually got board of settling Catan and decided to add to his repertoire. Enter in Seafarers of Catan, Cities and Knights of Catan, and Catan: Traders & Barbarians. Now, I will not bore you with descriptions of these games, considering I do not know one single thing about any of them. Fortunately, I do know that because of his accomplishments, Germany set aside a week in the month of October (the week after Oktoberfest to be precise), for our beloved Klaus. Klausteuberfest! After a week of boozin', all anyone wants to do is shack up in the deepest, darkest cave possible, away from the lagers, lushes, and lederhosens. What a better time to reminisce about all the crazy times had during Klausteuberfest with a fun-filled game of Settlers. I call dibs on expansion pack green!

Now, for the very few of you who have never experienced a game of Butt Sets, I will give you a crash course on how to play. Again, like RISK, it is a dice game and the object is to obtain resources in order to build roads, settlements, and cities. For instance, to build a settlement, if I have some sheep, wheat, and brick then all I would need is to muster up some wood and I'm good to go. Unfortunately, I do not have wood :( Luckily my friends Pepe, Alan, and Gerard all have massive quantities of wood! This just made me really excited! Now I can trade some of my ore for a fresh piece of wood. "Ore you going to give me some of your wood for some of my ore?" Deal! The trade is complete and a settlement is made. Now it is time to turn this settlement into a city. If you by chance have three ore and two wheat then, take it Beyonce.....
Lemme, lemme upgrade my settlement into a city. Fantastic! You have got the hang of it now. All you have to do now is build an army, a long-ass road, buy some development cards, and victory is yours. So, do yourself a favor. Go out and enjoy a nice, relaxing game of Butt Sets. After one game, you'll be crawling back for more.

Obviously, Settlers of Catan will be receving 5 Eiffel Towers. In fact, I have so much wood that I will build 5 miniature Eiffel Towers. Funny to think, I still have some leftover wood!?

Oh Snap! We are back: 1st Up Tony's Bar

So it has been awhile, have you all missed us? Who am I kidding, no one looks at this blog except us. Well it is summer time and we are free to post some more random critiques of goodness. My first post has to do with where I spent my first night back in the old home town: Tony's Bar. Now for those of you that know me or those that don't I would rather get shanked than go out to Tony's on any given night. The sad thing is there is a good possibility that I could kill two birds with one stone at this bar. The place is usually crowded with a narrow bottleneck that f's everything up, it also is home to at least 27 different strains of herpes ( National Geographic believes there could possibly be up to 130 more yet unidentified). Most of the guys are as Fiddy Sent said "Wangsters" and the girls look like they came straight from the Hunt Club (no offense Guillaume ). Shoot we should have a disease off between Tony's and the Hunt Club.



Well with that being said (insert Larry David here), most of you would guess that this is a scathing review that will award Tony's just one of Paris' landmarks, however I have seen the light and it is shining down on Tony's rooftop patio.

When Pierre Louvre asked to go out Thursday I figured we would hit the usual BARmuda triangle, but when he haymakered me with a "Tony's" I never saw coming, I was hesitant at best. "Oh dude they have a patio now." Great I bet murder capital of the world Juarez, Mexico has ton's of patios, it doesn't mean I am heading down there anytime soon.

We showed up and low and behold I could walk freely through the bar, which was an unexpected surprise. When we arrived up top we found ourselves in a rather nice looking open patio with an Island type bar in the center. The music was playing but not too loud so I could actually hear myself say "Damn Tony's cleans up nicely!" The patio had a more dressy feel to it although very much casual (shorts and t's allowed) the ladies though were looking good and the drinks were cheap as usual. Since it is outside the evening breeze cools off the crowded area and keeps all the dudes in wifebeaters from getting pit stains on their brand new shirt. The clincher: The bathrooms were unbelievably clean and nice. Compared to the downstairs ones which you were scared to piss in let alone take a girl into. The upstairs are fair game.

Tony's has gotten some body work done and it looks good. Kinda Heidi Motangue like, Oh and if I didn't spell her name right thats cause I could give two shits about her or what ever her problems are.









Tony's Before Patio












Tony's After Patio



















Overall I give Tony's Patio four Eiffels and Tony's downstairs two Eiffels (big step up)

Jay-Z Vs. Raekwon

On September 8, 2009: Jay-Z and Raekwon, two 40-year-old iconic New York rappers, released sequels to their widely popular albums; The Blueprint (one and two) and Only Built 4 Cuban Linx. Both M.C.'s enlisted all-star production teams and frequent collaborators' to ensure that top-notch material was created. One of these album's would surpass all expectations and prove to be an instant classic. The other album went on to massive commercial success and global notoriety. Unfortunately, for the latter the content was largely mediocre. This lead to disappointment and more importantly for me, confusion.

The Blueprint 3:

The Blueprint 3 isn't really a "blueprint" for anything at all. Jay-Z is simply going through the motions here. He's in Kingdom Come mode (maybe Kingdom Come 2 would've been a better title), rapping piss poor rhymes over throwaway beats. His lines are memorable but for the wrong reasons and Jigga constantly talks about his "stats". On the Timbaland produced track "Reminder", complacency takes center stage: "96, '97, '98, '99, 2000, 2001 and beyond/O two, O three, O four, O five, O six and seven, O eight, O nine." Jay just "reminded" us how old he has become. He then continues, "Back to back double plat', I did what you won't/ Men lie women lie, numbers don't." Regrettably, wack lyrics don't lie either as he brags just a few bars earlier--"I crushed Elvis and his blue suede shoes/ made the Rolling Stones seem sweet as kool-aid too." Jay-Z used to have beef with Nas, now he's battling old (or deceased) rocker's Billboard chart numbers. Here is the supposed greatest rapper of all time, counting out years and comparing The 'Stones to kool-aid?

Another glaring issue I have with Hova's lyrical and creative demise, is the song "Young Forever". "Beach Chair" thinks Jay-Z is too self-righteous and stale on this track. He says things like--"Without a wrinkle for today because there's no tomorrow" and "life is for living, not living uptight, see ya somewhere up in the sky." This is like a nursery rhyme you sing to your children at bedtime, not a hip-hop track. It's rap for soccer-moms, Dockers wearer's and people who listen to soft rock [see: Bill Gates]. Some late night caller has probably dedicated "Young Forever" to a loved one on Delilah's radio show.

The grandest indictment of Young Hov really becoming "Old Hov" has to be "Empire State of Mind". The anthem is practically impossible to listen to, and if you've seen the video; virtually unwatchable as well. Memo to Alicia Keys: Take your leg off that piano bench and sit down! Anyways back to the song itself. First off, dude sounds short of breath from the minute the song starts. I was concerned from the very first line when he boasts, "I'ma up at Brooklyn, now I'm down at Tribeca/ Right next to DeNiro but I'll be hood foreva." Tribeca and foreva do not fucking rhyme, even for him that's an incredible stretch. He proceeds to spit, "You should know I bleebloo but I ain't a crip though." Seriously, freaking bleebloo (okay he says, "bleed blue" but it certainly sounds like bleebloo). And a couple verses later he drops the puzzling, "Labor Day Parade, rest in peace Bob Marley." I've contacted philosophers, scientists, professors, language translators and even men of the cloth to understand this phrase. They each gave me the same response, "Huh?" All of his strange rhymes make me ask this question: Does Jay-Z have like a, like a little hand?



Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II:

"Cause I'm not tryin' to just be, sittin' on muthafuckin'
two-hundred thou and act like I'ma be a drug-dealer all my life."

Raekwon, Only Built for Cuban Linx...

It has been 15 years since Raekwon uttered those words on "Striving For Perfection" and not a whole lot has changed. Okay, a lot has changed. The Wu, once the top attraction in hip-hop, are almost an afterthought now (save for Ghostface). That's why it is so amazing that Raekwon has made this follow-up masterpiece to his magnum opus: Only Built 4 Cuban Linx. Chef has only released two solo albums since "the purple tape"(that's what hip-hop aficionados refer to it as), the last being in 2003. The long-delayed album seemed like it would never be released or live up to the name of its predecessor. But Rae did something that Jay-Z should take note of: he used the blueprint that made the first OB4CL a classic.

Raekwon made the cover for the sequel basically identical (only the color is purple instead of red) to the original album. The lettering and words appear the same, as does the picture of Raekwon with Ghostface pointing over his shoulders. The participation of Ghostface is another reason the album is great. The chemistry between Chef and Ghost is still dynamic and the Wu-banger "Gihad" is a perfect example of this. Like The Blueprint 3, some lines left me completely confused (but this time in a good way). Rae boasts on the first verse, "It's late for a dime season, we bought the crib next to Bill Clinton's mother cuz she fuck with the Chinese." I feel like if I try to find out what this means, I might be killed (and that's pretty cool). Then Ghost tells a story about receiving a blow-job from a white girl his son impregnated. This is classic Ghostface spitting rhymes like: "I'm like a crooked cop, Richard Gere big smirk on, gettin' my cock sucked" and "she take a bone like a rib-eye steak at Ruth Chris". The track ends with him punching his son and then demanding he get him a forty from the store. Ghost insists: "Get some bologna for your eye too"and " I don't give a fuck if your 25, you're my son." This is an absolutely timeless song between two long-time collaborators and friends.

Earlier when I said not much has changed, I meant that Rae is still hustlin' and weaving tales of the drug underworld. This helps the album immensely. He shows his hunger track after track, most likely because he is hungry, in fact he's starving. Chef hasn't had a hit record or album in a long time and his ferocity is at an all-time high on "Surgical Gloves." His vivid, grimy-street narratives, paint pictures of violence ("we blow you out your pea coats") and the rewards of dealing ("papers in Aruba, gold tuba from Bermuda"). The grainy, low-budget video is a perfect companion piece for this song...

In 2005, when I first heard he was working on a follow-up to the flawless OB4CL, I passed it off as laughable. Then nearly five years later, it was finally released and I was completely floored. OB4CL2 is darker and more sinister than the original. Any dreams Raekwon had of leaving the street life and going legit never came true. It's an album filled with grizzled veterans, who occasionally come across as bitter. Yet Chef and his cohorts always keep the business-as-usual mentality, because all they do is hustle. The album is a deeply lyrical, heavily-layered crime saga. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II is Raekwon's The Godfather, Part II, a fitting sequel to add to his legacy.

Sadly, The Blueprint 3 is Jay-Z's The Godfather, Part III. Most of the same cast and crew are here but they're older and stagnant. Jay has become soft, turning his back on the streets that made him successful. The first Blueprint album seemed like it happened spontaneously. He had fresh young producers making insane beats (almost battling each other) for his approval. Hov was feeding off that energy. This, coupled with his heavyweight beef with Nas, forged the "blueprint" that constructed his seminal album. Simply having number one albums (and making money) shouldn't be his only ambition. He does have an artistic integrity to keep as well. Maybe Jay-Z should study Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II to help him rediscover his "hustla" roots. Don't forget Hov, the streets is watching.

Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..., Pt. II:



The Blueprint 3 (sorry Skip):

Best Music Videos of '09

This is a list of the very best music videos of the past year (and one or two from '08). These videos are all ground-breaking, inspirational, and influential to the members of this blog. So without further ado here is our top ten list.

10. Pink-Funhouse: "This used to be a funhouse but now it's filled with evil clowns." That sums up Pink's beautiful lyricism in one sentence.




9. Beyonce Feat. Lady Gaga-Video Phone: We hate this video. The song is horrible, the video is bad, Gaga looks like Marilyn Manson, and to quote Pierre Louvre: "Beyonce turned into Tatyana Ali."




8. David Guetta Feat. Akon-Sexy Chick: Every list has to include Akon. If you want to pick up a girl at the bar just say, "I'm trying to find the words to describe you, without being disrespectful".




7. Mike Epps-Big Girls: "Mo'Nique and some wings and I'm good to go."




6. Katy Perry-Hot N Cold: Technically this video was released at the end of '08 but we don't care. Katy Perry has great boobs and nice legs so we made an exception.




5. Yo Gotti Feat. Gucci Mane, Trina, and Nicki Minaj-Five Star Chick Remix: I just had an epiphany...this video is awesome.




4. Shakira-She Wolf: She's goes from goofy to sexy seamlessly. Pretzels wonder how she twists like that.




3. Kesha-Tik Tok: I have awoken many a mornings feeling like P. Diddy. This video perfectly portrays that state of mind.




2. Lady Gaga-Bad Romance: We're gaga for Gaga. Also, Erin Phebus has a lock of her hair.




1. Miley Cyrus-Party in the U.S.A.: Monsieur Pepe Le Peu said it best, "I walk up to Miley Cyrus with American flag boxers on and say, there's a party in the U.S.A." So completely wrong yet somehow right.

"Be That Guy": MacGyver and The Guyver

I had the opportunity recently to watch a treasured B-movie classic. Last Saturday night around 1 a.m., I was reacquainted with The Guyver. The early 90's sci-fi flick was back in all of its grandeur of yesteryear. I watched with unbridled enthusiasm as days of my adolescence were brought to the forefront of my adulthood. While I gazed into the nostalgic window of prepubescent geekdom, I couldn't help but be reminded of another early 90's hero: MacGyver. You remember MacGyver-the leather jacket, the Swiss-army knife, and most of all, the mullet. He was the man our dad's wanted to be and our mom's wanted to be with. So as I reveled in the excellence of The Guyver (and daydreamed of MacGyver), I decided it was only fitting to honor both of these awe-inspiring "guys."

The Guyver is the tale of a college/karate student named Sean Baker (Jack Armstrong) who stumbles upon an otherworldly mechanism simply known as "the guyver." When he comes in contact with the device, it turns him into a bio-mechanical super hero. He then goes on to battle the diabolical Chronos Corporation and its alien-like creatures: The Zoanoids. The story takes off from there but I want to focus on some of the actors who appear in this great film. The head of the Chronos Corporation, Fulton Balcus, is played by former-presidential-nominee-John Kerry-look-alike-David Gale (no relation to the wack Kevin Spacey flick). David Gale of course went instant legend in the undeniably magnificent Re-Animator. Here he teams up with his Re-Animator co-star, the infamous Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs). And just like in that film, Combs plays a slightly loony scientist with a wry wit. It seems the director pays a tongue-in-cheek tribute to Herbert West because in The Guyver, Comb's name is Dr. East. The film is directed by a man simply and poetically known as Screaming Mad George. SMG (what his friends call him) was the special effects guru on films like Predator, Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Silent Night Deadly Night 4, and both Re-Animator sequels (which explains the Gale and Combs connection). Another key actor in The Guyver is none other than one Mr. Jimmie Walker aka J.J. from Good Times. Walker plays Striker, a Zoanoid henchman for the Chronos Corporation. He adds a lot of the comic relief to the film and even drops his world-renowned catch phrase.

The greatest practitioner of the fine arts to appear in The Guyver has to be Mark Hamill. Unless you've been frozen in carbonite for the last 30 years, you know that Mark Hamill gave the performance of a lifetime as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Unfortunately, his role in The Guyver is somewhat of a bit part. He plays detective Max Reed, and he is mostly there to crack "cheesy" one-liners, mostly. Even though he doesn't play the title character, Hamill somehow graces the cover of the DVD as the Guyver [pictured above]. Weird? It's like the producers felt they had to market their major star in order to profit off this cinematic tour de force. Baffling to say the least... The eclectic cast and superb acting they display, might be the main reason this is a sci-fi masterpiece. However, the direction, story-telling, special effects wizardry, and overall heart and soul, really make this a timeless must-see for everyone. That includes our children's children's children (also a Moody Blues album). May The Guyver live on forever.

Angus MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) was the definition of cool in the mid 90's. The aforementioned leather jacket, Swiss-army knife, and mullet are like the holy trinity of coolness. Still the thing that made MacGyver so bad ass, was the way he used incredibly innovative and non-violent methods to defeat his foes. Hell, MacGyver practically invented "thinking outside the box." In fact, he built the "box" out of gum wrappers, a bar of hotel soap, and a cocktail umbrella. MacGyver was so popular his name became a verb. Example: "I had to "MacGyver" my microwave to fix it. I used a light bulb, some tinfoil, and a shoebox, now it's finally working again." But I don't need to keep going on and on about his resourcefulness, just watch for yourself.



The thing that makes MacGyver cooler and greater than other shows though, probably more than anything else is...one of the producers of the show is this "guy."

MacGyver:


The Guyver:

Summer Hits and Summer Misses

It always becomes some form of an argument about capitalism vs. socialism with me. This, in all likelihood, won't be the exception. Yesterday I managed to catch a summer movie double (more like 1.5x) feature. A friend of mine and I went to see District 9 at our local theater, and to spare you all the suspense, let me just say, it's a phenomenal movie. For me, it represented so much more than just being a movie that entertained me. It was a renaissance, of sorts. In the past, This summer, I've seen every major blockbuster hollywood has thrown at me (sans Transformers 2). I've had few regrets with this too, as Star Trek and Harry Potter were great movies. But, I've never really went out of my way to do the research to see movies I'd enjoy. I'd just sort of wait for the popular opinion and go. Having said that, I did my research and have been excited for D9 for some while now. And beyond the fact it was just a great movie, D9 may have been the first major studio movie in a loooooong time that wasn't some sort of recycled idea.

Let me explain. If you look back at the major hits this year, every single one was either a sequel, a book, a cartoon, a comic book, or tv show. We saw some repeat offenders like Transformers, X-Men, Star Trek, Angles and Demons, and Terminator, and I haven't even made it to June yet. So very rarely do we see movies that simply involve a creative guy being given the opportunity to flesh out a major movie from a story conjured up in his mind (think The Matrix). I could be dead wrong in saying this, but it just seems these days, the big studios are much more inclined to give us the familiar names in a shiner, louder, more expensive package.

After D9, we snuck into the final third or so of G.I. Joe, and while watching Marlon Waynes say 'bust a cap' and 'aww hell naw!', it made me realize something. G.I. Joe isn't supposed to be smart, it was designed to entertain me when I was 5 years old. Since then, I've endured 18 years of education, read several books, traveled the country, and ultimately just grown into a whole new educated, jaded, opinionated person. It seems like most (not quite all) of my peers have done the same. So why are these companies trying to sell us something we haven't really enjoyed since we were 5? Why do they just assume we're not up to the challenge of something totally fresh and new?

This is why it bothers me. I'm not entirely sure if a studio makes any more or less money reselling old brands, but it's probably a lot easier. These studios aren't challenging themselves, so they're sure as hell not gonna challenge me. Remember how fresh and exciting The Matrix was when it came out? What are the Wachowski brothers up to now? Putting out a Speed Racer movie.

I'll end it with this. Eventually (hopefully), hollywood will run out of graphic novels and Dan Brown books, and we'll get tired of seeing Batman and Spiderman sequels. So what then? Do the innovative, inciteful, and artistic scripts for action/adventure movies only come around once a decade? Or will the studios actually start letting guys like J.J. Abrams get a little elbow room to take a chance on something original? Only time will tell I guess.

District 9 - Smart, action packed, thought-provoking

G.I. Joe - If Marlon Waynes isn't a white girl or a baby, it must suck