There Will Be True Blood

The Wire. Sex and the City. Curb Your Enthusiasm. These are just a few TV series that have been popularized on the hip and fresh TV channel HBO. Over the years this station has been pumping out amazing series and last year was no exception. In September 2008, True Blood premiered and unexpectedly shocked and wowed its viewers. The first few episodes were good to the say the least, but as with new series, it took some dedication to get familiarized with the characters and the plot of the show. As the acting grew stronger and the plot became more interesting I can easily say I was hooked. There's fantasy, lots of violence, and sex. Did I mention there's blood. There's human blood and there's an Asian developed beverage called True Blood that keeps vampires from having to kill. I have to say, the Twilight crew would be a lot cooler if they drank this tasty asian creation.

So, it is summer 2009 and season 2 is in high gear. Sookie Stackhouse, played by the new and improved sex-charged Anna Paquin, is living in the not so quiet town of Bon Temps (meaning "good times" in my native language) and dating the neighborhood vampire, Bill Compton. You would think that these two are having some crazy bon temps, but there is some blood boiling that is about to spill out all over the town. Jason, Sookie's brother, has become a member of the Fellowship of the Sun Church and has enrolled into the Light of Day Institute, or more commonly known as LODI. And yes, Lodi Dodi they like to party. They do cause trouble and they are as cheesy as dill havarti. There are also some new fascinating characters that also like to party, such as the mysterious Maryann Forrester and the dim-witted waitress Daphne. Maryann is an unknown being that throws one hell of a party, likes to get busy on the dance floor, and rolls insanely massive joints. Daphne has revealed to have the same shape shifting powers as her boss and Merlotte's owner Sam, which has obviously brouht them somewhat closer. They hang out in the buff and then like to frolick in the woods as animals. Unfortunately, we get to see more of her gross back claw scars then we do of her unseen breasts. Breasts that could give Anna Paquin a run for her boob job money.

Nevertheless, True Blood, seems to rarely dissapoint. OK, the whole Fellowship of the Sun plot is unbearable at times, but you know that the church and vampire war is inevitible. Other than that we are getting crazy sex orgies and blood covered boning thrown at us week by week. Who can complain about that? Also, just knowing that Sookie may be in another nude scene is good enough reason for me to stay tuned.

True Blood will receive 5 Eiffel Towers. One for every erected Eiffel Tower I receive when Anna Paquin shows the goods. Job well done to you Anna! And by job well done, I mean boob job.

Rocky vs. Rambo (The Sensitive Side)

When we think of action heroes certain names come to mind-Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal, and of course Sylvester Stallone. These tough guys are known for breaking bones, lots of stuff, and hearts on the regular. However, what is sometimes lost in the mix of explosions, gun-fire, fighting, and more explosions; is the sensitivity the above mentioned "bad asses" convey in a great deal of their films. One man in particular summons these emotions better than the rest, and that man is; Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone.

Stallone struggled early on in his career playing small roles, starring in B-movies, and even dabbling in soft core porn...but the break of a lifetime was just around the corner. Inspired by the Muhammad Ali/Chuck Wepner fight (and some say Jake LaMotta, we won't get into that) Stallone wrote a little screenplay entitled Rocky. Rocky was a critical and box office hit that single-handedly launched Stallone to super stardom. He went on to star in other great films like Rhinestone, Oscar, and the now classic Stop! Or My Mom will Shoot.

But First Blood is really where his sensitive side came to fruition. In First Blood he plays John Rambo, a super bad ass-green beret-Vietnam vet looking for one of his friends from the war. He soon discovers that his friend is dead so he travels to a small town. This is when Rambo is harassed and arrested by the sheriff (Brian Dennehy), then tormented and beaten by his cronies. The flashbacks he has of torture prove too much for Rambo and he snaps. Police chases, man-hunts, and Rambo going "guerrilla war" on that ass ensues. Except we don't truly see the emotional breakdown of Rambo until the end of the film. By this point, Rambo has blown up most of the town and is holed up inside the police station. Then Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) enters and tries to talk Rambo into surrendering. Watch the clip here. When Stallone says, "I can't find your fucking legs," he isn't acting anymore, he becomes John Rambo! Stallone is completely lost in the emotion and sadness of his friend being blown to pieces in front of him. Gut-wrenching stuff to say the least and just one example of the softer side of Stallone.

Let's explore another touching moment of Stallone's acting career with Rocky III. Rocky III is probably my favorite of the franchise. It has everything you could ask for- Hulk Hogan as Thunder Lips, the Eye of the Tiger theme song, and best of all Mr. T. as boxing nemesis Clubber Lang. The movie picks up where Rocky II left off when Rocky beats Apollo. It shows all the money, fame, and glory of being the champ. Basically in this film, Rocky blows up. He's got endorsements, a pinball game, the mansion, the nice cars (not the robot yet, that comes in IV) essentially everything he's ever wanted. Clubber Lang, played masterfully by Mr. T., coaxes him into a fight by harassing Adrian (Talia Shire) at Rocky's statue unveiling/retirement press- conference. Rocky is all glitz during his training and not focused on the fight, this drives Mickey (Burgess Meredith) nuts. When the two boxers face off, Rocky gets an ass whipping and Mick's health is so bad he leaves the fight. After getting knocked out, Rocky goes to the dressing room where Mick lays dying. Watch the clip here. Completely devastating. Stallone channels a young Brando mixed with Sloth from the Goonies. That scene was driven on pure emotion and heartache. Once again, Sly showed us that under his tough-looking beefy exterior, is just a sensitive little puppy who needs to suckle the teet of his mother.

The end of Rambo and Mick dying in Rocky III are just two examples of Stallone's acting prowess. He's also played an estranged father/truck driver/arm-wrestler in Over the Top. So we shouldn't look at Sylvester Stallone as just a meat-head action hero. We should delve deeper into his work and find those hidden gems, for instance; the two scenes I've reviewed here. And not just in his work but other action stars performances as well-Van Damme in Lionheart or Seagal in Hard to Kill. Thus I believe the moral of the story is this: No matter how tough you are, it's okay to cry.

The United States Postal Service: No Longer a One Trick Pony Express

I feel that the USPS (to keep indie rockers from getting confused and thinking this is a review of The Postal Service) has always gotten one type of review and that is god awful. Well I am here to dispel that nasty rumor. Along the way I will include every song of The Postal Service's album Give Up so please use the links. They are there for a reason.

So today I was sleeping in and quite honestly there is nothing better to do on a Monday. I then decided that I should not let the day slip on by, so I made a list of errands to run. The first was to replace my PSU (power supply) for one of my PC's. This required me to head down to the local post office. There was one lady working and it was slow enough that she probably could sleep alone in the district office tonight. I asked here how her day was going and she replied "Just fine." It is obvious that she did not feel that this place is a prison.

Originally I had my own box and everything, but the lady told me if I used their flat rate box it would ship cheaper and quicker than shipping with my boring brown box. So I traded out for a spiffy Priority mail box and got to use their boxing tape as well. Saved me about 7 bucks. I was sending the PSU back to South San Fran which I hope succeeds from the Union and forms their own brand new colony. I wouldn't want to live in a place that doesn't offer equal rights and not be able to get married. I am sorry your freedom was over turned. I think your national anthem should be Gay and cooler than thou, love thy neighbor and don't throw the first rock, biatch!!!

Oh and did I mention that the lady was nice enough to give me some left over bubble wrap to pack my PSU in since the box was way bigger than my original. Nothing like using some recycled air, and for free to boot. Free packaging and box tape, that is what America is about, that should be our national anthem. There was no line, which is awesome as I hate waiting in lines at the post office. Sometimes those are longer than lines were to get Clark Gable's autograph.


Over all it was the most pleasant experience I have ever had at the post office. If the USPS continues to reach for such great heights, I feel they will shake the stereotype of pissed off gun-toting federal employees that has haunted them.

I give the United States Postal Service 4 Eiffel towers (It was still going to the post office and that is time that could be spent elsewhere)

P.S. I didn't include We Will Become Silhouettes, so sue me.

Harry Potter: Hotter or Notter?

When it comes to summer blockbuster movies, Harry Potter is pretty hard to top. Lets begin by taking a look back at some pretty remarkable years of this magical boys life. Eight years ago, 2001, the muggle world was introduced to the film adaptations of the highly popular book series Harry Potter. The first two movies, The Sorcerer's Stone and The Chamber of Secrets, directed by Chris Columbus, can easily be described as your average children's fantasy movie. Then 3 years later during Potter's 3rd year of wizarding school the world is given an unexpected treat called the Prisoner of Azkaban. As with the book series, as Harry gets older, the series gets better (and darker). The same with the movie sequels! The Prisoner of Azkaban, directed by modern day genius Alfonso Cuaron, puts the movie series into high gear. Gone are the days of Columbus. Cuaron has discovered a New World. This world has adults such as myself interested, but still has that childhood following that will guarantee Warner Bros studio billions (yes billions) at the box office.

By year four, we have director Mike Newell take the reins of The Goblet of Fire. This man has graced us with hits such as Donnie Brasco, Pushing Tin, and Mona Lisa Smile. Needless to say pure classics! However, with these money making hits behind him he manages to score again with the charming 3rd sequel. I would like to add that this movie introduced us to hearthrob Robert Pattinson! I still tear up a little seeing him as Cedric Diggory get blindsided by the Avada Kedarva spell. I wouldn't mind getting blindsided by a little bit of Pattinson if you know what I mean. Staying on topic, we now have this unstoppable freight train of a movie series that is carrying darker material and award winning actors.

Now we hit year 5. One of the longer books and one of the least interesting in my opinion. However, with new director David Yates at the helm we are in safe hands. Yates, a literally unknown, took the 870 page book and conjured up a hell of a movie. Delores Umbridge was right on the mark. Dumbledore's Army proved they are a group not to f**k with. We get to see Harry get Asian invaded by Diggory's ex Cho Chang! Hot!!!! And yes we get blindsided yet again with a little Pattinson flashback! Yates has proved himself a Harry Potter Magician with quite a few tricks up his sleeve.

So, we come to the lastest installment of the series, The Half Blood Prince, directed again by Yates. With two years between the 5th and the 6th movie, anticipation levels are at an all time high. At a recent midnight showing, wizards and muggles alike lined up (all the way around the building) to catch up on the recent adventures of Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermoine Granger. Showing on all screens, the packed house was not knowing what they were getting themselves into. By 12:30 the movie began and at 3:30 in the morning the wait was over. Did this Potter live up to its predecessors?

The best word to describe The Half Blood Prince is angst. In the movie, the chracters dealt with the anxiety of teenage relationships. In the real world, audiences and myself were dealing with the fear of whether or not the movie would live up to Prisoner, Goblet, and Order. Also, is it an accurate adaptation of the book. Well, for the most part it did. The sixth book has a lot to do with teenage love and so too did the movie. Professor Slughorn was tremendous; awkward, funny, surly, uncomfortable, etc. The special effects were good (happy to see Quidditch is back). And most of all the acting was superb. Still, there was a little feeling of emptiness during the credits. What happened with Dumbeldores funeral? Where were all Dumbledores memory flashbacks? Where in the hell was Robert Pattinson? I am going to give Yates the benefit of the doubt that I was tired and had been in the sun all day at Waterworld (critique coming soon), but if this is where Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows is heading I am going to be a little hesitant. We need to keep these movies fresh and on the top of their game. Like with the books, they should get better. I really liked the idea of switching directors on 3-5. Can I just throw out there Peter Jackson on movie 7 (part 1 and 2)!

Anyhow, I am going to have to give The Half Blood Prince 3 towers. Love the series, the book, and the cast! Emma Watson is smoking!!!! Although Yates, you may have taken the luster from the wonderful world of Harry.

Rasta Pasta: Is it just another Bobby Brown?

What do Jamaicans know about Rasta? Do I even need to answer that question? I didn't I just answered a question with another question. What do Rastas know about Pasta? I used to think a lot.

I have been eating Rasta Pasta for about 9 years and I would say that gives me a pretty good idea of what their food should taste like. It used to be the shnip shnap shnitty bang bang. The Chicken Montego Bay might have been in the top 5 pasta dishes ever to fill my endless hole of a stomach.

Since I felt that way the other weekend Monsieur Pierre and myself headied on down to get some of that Montego. Unfortunately for us it looked like the lazy cheap side of being a Rasta had taken over. Normally the dish is filled with different veggies such as bell peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes, red cabbage and even pineapple. There was also never a shortage of chicken in the dish. The sauce had always been a thinner spicier twist on a traditional Alfredo sauce. When this dish was at its peak it was like Robert Barisford, a.k.a Bobby Brown pumping out hits such as My Prerogative. The dishes were decently sized, although a little pricey. They also came with two pieces of their garlic bread which is amazing. Dinner comes with a salad as well. I am a huge fan of the sun dried tomato dressing though their vinaigrette is still good.

After eating it the other day it might as well be Bobby at the height of his blow days where he was giving Miles Davis a run for having more snow than the French Alps. I had about four pieces of veggies in the dish, the sauce which really makes the dish and you normally get enough to wipe up plenty of extra with their delicious garlic bread (fortunately that was still good), was thick like normal Alfredo sauce and really had no flavor to distinguish itself from Ragu Alfredo sauce. Did I mention the name of the dish starts with chicken? When I was around seven my mother told me that in the ingredient list on food, the order determines what is the most abundant in the food. Now I know that pasta is the most fruitful ingredient, but I only had one strip of chicken in my dish. ONE two inch strip of chicken does not allow you to name your dish CHICKEN montego bay.

Maybe it is Rasta Pasta's prerogative to cut back on quality during these rough times, but if I was trying to attract customers to spend their hard earned dimes and nickels I wouldn't be cutting corners. For you see it is my prerogative not to go back to the restaurant until a reliable source (Heather) says things are back to the times that are reminiscent of "Don't Be Cruel"

P.S. I have never been impressed with the service there and this time was no exception. Never got a water refill the whole time.

I give it one Eiffel tower and that was for their Garlic Bread

Chimay Triple Beer: So good men of god drink it

Living in the quaint town of New Castle has its advantages and its cons. One of those being a lack of bars and liquor stores. So while I was in the Fort I headed to a megadrunk store and picked up some finer beers and wines that I can't find around these here parts.

The first that I had the privilege of tasting was Chimay's Triple. Now what makes this beer a little different is that it is a certified Trappist beer. What the Hell is a trappist beer, you say? Well first off I will have to ask you to stop the cursing before I tell you.

Trappist beer comes from monasteries that are certified under a few restrictions. The first and foremost being that the beer (and other products) are made within the walls of the monastery. The products can only be sold to improve the monastery or for the monks to give aid to the public, no profit is to be made here. Because people are greedy and most do not want to live the life of a monk, there are only 7 Trappist monasteries in the world that produce beer. Six of these are in Belgium.

On to the actual beer. The Chimay Tripel actually does not hold up to a traditional Triplel. Tripels were originally given the name to describe the brewery's strongest beer. I believe this started with Westmalle another Trappist Monastery that ill be reviewed soon. Chimay however has their blue (review coming soon) which sits at a healthy 9% which makes it stronger than the 8% Tripel.

Even at 8% the Tripel was a smooth customer. It has a hoppy character, yet is not overpoweringly bitter and finishes extremely smooth. It almost is creamy at the end as it coats your throat. Imagine a slightly less creamy Guinness being a golden ale. The amount of bitters, cream, and robustness of the beer come together to create a very fine ale. Oh yeah did I mention it tastes this smooth while dishing up 8%? Have fun.

The beer comes in either 75cl or 33cl, that is centiliters and I will let you do the conversion since America loves to be so different. I went big and it was about 11 dollars with tax. Think a bottle of wine.

I got to hand it to the Belgium monks, they have been doing this for a while and it is apparent. This beer gets 5 Eiffel towers.

The Musical Genius of Too $hort

Too $hort is often overlooked when the argument of greatest rapper is discussed. This has always bothered me because in my mind, Too $hort is not only one of the greatest rappers of all time, he's one of the greatest ARTISTS of all time. He made Don't Stop Rappin' at the tender age of 17, and for the next three decades that's what he did (he didn't stop rappin'). In many ways, his career is comparable to Bob Dylan's, not only in longevity but also in the volume of work. These are just two things they have in common, but you could also find similarities in the consistent quality they both have produced year after year. However, I'm not here to make Bob Dylan comparisons all day long so let's get back to the career of $hort Dog, BIATCH!

Too $hort's four albums: Raw, UnCut, and X-Rated, Born To Mack, Life is...Too $hort, and $hort Dog's in The House were released in a five year period. This artistic mastery is very similar to Led Zeppelin's colossal run of albums I-IV that came out in the late 60's and early 70's. Following this, $horty the Pimp released four albums that evoke memories of what is known as Stevie Wonder's classic period. From '72 to '76, Wonder released Talking Book, Innervisions, Fulfillingness' First Finale, and Songs in the Key of Life. 20 years later, from '92 to '96, Too $hort released Shorty The Pimp, Get in Where You Fit in, Cocktales, and Gettin' It.

Too $hort was "gettin' it" indeed. The seminal Gettin' It or "Album Number 10" (which is what loyal followers lovingly call it) was to be Too $hort's swan song. And just like that, Too $hort was retired and gone from the game. It sort of reminds me of when John Lennon walked away from music in 1977, to raise his son Sean. Nevertheless, his first album did say, "I don't stop rappin'," and three years after he retired (eerily like how John Lennon released Double Fantasy in 1980, three years after his retirement) Too Short released Can't Stay Away. He probably did this because he couldn't stay away.

A decade later, Too $hort continues to grace our minds, hearts, and souls with his lyrical genius. His influence stretches far and wide, and his presence ripples across all musical genres. Too $hort is constantly innovating, defying conventional thinking by distributing thought provoking material year after year. I leave you with these words of wisdom: "Life is...Too $hort, you better get in where you fit in." BIATCH!

Needless to say, the magical journey that has been Too $hort's career gets 5 towers.