The Best Music Videos of 2013

The writers and brain trust of this blog are extremely proud to present the top music videos of 2013. After missing the last two years because of lawsuits and legal wrangling, we are back with a vengeance! Some notable changes have come since the end of 2010 (what happened to Sean Kingston?). However, the spirit of this list is stronger and our picks are more passionate than ever. So without further ado, ladies and gentleman: The Best Music Videos of 2013!!

10. Paris Hilton feat. Lil Wayne- Good Time: It's the 10 year anniversary of "1 Night in Paris". Paris might be having a good time now, but I think she had a better time performing fellatio in night vision. This video also marks the final nail in the coffin for Weezy's once prolific career, RIP.

9. Britney Spears- Work Bitch: Thanks, but we'll probably just "jerk bitch".

8. Nicki Minaj feat. Lil Wayne- High School:  We don't know why this song is titled High School, but we wish Nicki's boobs would "drop out" of that swimsuit.


7. Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell- Blurred Lines: We directed this video.


6. Ke$ha feat. Pitbull- Timber: Two of our favorite artists teamed up for a country-themed pop song?! This is the most bizarrely awesome video to ever happen. As for Ke$ha, wow. You can yell, "TIMBERRRR!" all you want, but nothing's going to make our wood fall down.


5. Mike Will Made It feat. Miley Cyrus, Juicy J and Wiz Khalifa- 23: I think Miley has already stuck her tongue out more this year than MJ did in his entire basketball career. So is she the Michael Jordan of Michael Jordan tongue-wagging?


4. Kelly Rowland feat. Lil Wayne- ICE: We made this 2012 video an exception in honor of our eternal love for Kelly Rowland (and apparently Lil Wayne). Plus, we never gave her Commander video proper respect. But the main reason this video made it is because of the shirtless dude with abs of steel.


3. Girls' Generation- I Got a Boy: They got a boy and uh, we've got issues.

  
 2. Major Lazer- Bubble Butt: Little known fact: This song started out as a "Bublé Butt", in honor of the dreamy Canadian crooner. Then Diplo remembered who he is and turned it into this twerk anthem.


1. Rihanna- Pour It Up: Her career has continued down the path we prophetically envisioned two years ago. Here's to you Rihanna, whore it up, whore it up.

Brett Favre: He Was That Jets Quarterback, Right?

"There's Brett Favre and then there's Brett Favre and then there's a Brett Favre type a thing that Brett Favre's gonna do and when he does that you gotta say that, that, that's uh uh a Brett Favre type a thing he did right there, ya know?"

~John Madden (I couldn't find the audio, but if you don't believe this is an actual quote, watch Madden say "bootleg" a million times in this clip.)

Retirement=Ridiculous

Brett Lorenzo Favre's story begins where most do, with retirement. Okay, a quick overview of his career to this point is probably necessary. He was drafted by Atlanta in '91, then traded to the Packers the following year. Favre was at his peak from '95-'97, the Packers also won a Super Bowl in that stretch. During his first MVP season, Favre struggled with an addiction to Vicodin and went to rehab for pain pill abuse. In 1999, he checked himself into rehab again, this time for alcohol abuse. From 2000 to 2007, he threw a lot of interceptions, mulled retirement a few times and then went to rehab again (not really).

On March 4, 2008, after years of wishy-washy waffling and flip-flopping back and forth, Favre finally retired from football. An emotional presser followed and he could barely speak a word without breaking down. The finality of it all crushed him as he realized it was truly, officially over. Not surprisingly, his retirement lasted about as long as Too Short's (or any rapper for that matter), because three months later he was ready for a comeback. A drama filled, soap-opera went on all summer between "Number 4" and the Packers. Green Bay even reportedly offered him a 20 million dollar bribe to stay retired.

In spite of all that, Brett (and a media circus) reported to training camp. Once there, Favre realized he'd become the crazy ex-girlfriend who gives you a gun rack as a birthday present. The Packers didn't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. In other words, Green Bay didn't want Favre as their quarterback anymore. The spectacle continued as he demanded a trade, preferably to the Vikings. Packers GM Ted Thompson probably laughed until he cried when he heard that. Hell would freeze over before he would trade Favre within the division. So on August 6, just over five months since that weepy press conference--the Green Bay era ended again--with Favre being traded to the New York Jets.

The New York Bretts?

New York was coming off a 4-12 season and expectations weren't that high coming into 2008. But The Jets started fast with the Ol' Gunslinger at the helm, and even lead their division with an 8-3 record. Favre (looking somewhat surreal in Jets green) was back doing what he does best--playing the game like a kid on the school yard. There he was, throwing touchdowns (a personal record, six against the Cardinals) and jubilantly running around like he'd just won the Super Bowl. His typical song and dance was in full swing and New York fans were eating it up.

Not since the days of Urban Cowboy had country been this cool in The Big Apple, and everyone seemed mesmerised by his southern charm. Then the season took a turn for the worse. The Jets lost 4 of their last 5 games and Favre was horrible in that stretch. He threw 9 interceptions to only 2 touchdowns, New York missed the playoffs, and coach Eric Mangini was fired. As for Favre, he did what everyone expected--he retired for the second time. Brett cited his sore shoulder and torn bicep injury as the main reason for his late season collapse and re-retirement, "How surgery would affect my play at 39, I have no idea. It was not something I was willing to risk." No teary-eyed presser this time for Favre as he quietly walked away from the game.

The Jets released Favre in April 2009, then he had arthroscopic surgery (I thought he wasn't having surgery?) on his shoulder in May. Early rumblings of Favre signing with Minnesota began in June. However, Favre's agent Bus Cook, said there had been no contact with the Vikings. By late July, Number 4 was throwing to kids at a local high school in Mississippi, and the whispers of a comeback grew louder. But he shot the rumors down, informing the media he would stay retired. Three weeks later on August 18, Brett Favre returned again (yawn), signing a 2 year deal with the Minnesota Vikings.

The Silver Fox

Could it be the Ol' Gunslinger never planned on retiring? This is purely speculative, but maybe he retired so the Jets would release him, then he'd be free to sign with the Vikings; an arch rival of the Green Bay Packers. Minnesota was a team in the same division, and the team that Ted Thompson refused to trade Favre to a year before. Was Brett Favre hell bent on revenge? No, not this country bumpkin. He'd play the game for free, he's just out there drawing plays in the dirt, having fun. Favre only wanted the best chance to win a championship, and it just happened to be with the Vikings. Yeah right...Minnesota needed a quarterback who could utilize all their offensive talent, Favre wanted to get even with the Packers; it was a perfect fit.

Favre got his swagger back playing for the Vikings, and they thrived with him at quarterback. He had one of his best statistical seasons--highest passer rating ever and he only threw seven interceptions (unheard of in his career). Favre was whoopin' it up and having a good ol' time with the boys. Jared Allen even gave him a new nickname, "The Silver Fox", Favre was back on top. But most importantly during this "dream season", Minnesota beat Green Bay in both meetings. The Silver Fox accomplished his goal of sticking it to the Packers. Now, with the division title and a first round bye, the Vikings were poised for a glorious playoff run. And after steamrolling the Cowboys, Brett Favre was on cloud 9...



He somehow made it cool to be tragically hip. However, at the NFC Championship in New Orleans, the Silver Fox turned back into the Ol' Gunslinger. He threw away the Vikings Super Bowl hopes, with a bonehead interception in overtime. This was Favre's legacy; in the biggest moment, at the most crucial time, he self destructs (see: 2007 NFC Championship game, he threw an INT against the Giants in overtime as well). The question now was, "Would he comeback again?"

Things Fall Apart


After the New Orleans loss, the "Silver Fox" looked like a three-legged dog. Could Favre endure one more grueling season? The obligatory, "will he or won't he" discussion had already began. Brad Childress went down to Mississippi to woo him, even still, Favre was unsure about returning. Once again, he was holding a franchise hostage with his indecisiveness. Favre was on the fence all of training camp and most of the preseason, until his teammates took action. Jared Allen, Ryan Longwell, and Steve Hutchinson took a private jet to Mississippi, and basically begged the Ol' Waffler to play. Favre probably wished the Big Bopper was there to to take his seat, because the 2010 season would be the equivalent of a plane crash during a snowstorm in an Iowa cornfield (or like a long Don McLean song).

The sequel is never as good as the original, and this Viking season was no exception. Favre's favorite target, Sidney Rice, was already out for a few months with a hip injury. When Brett finally did get on the field, he was completely out of sync with his receivers. Minnesota got off to a horrible start, going only 2-5 in its first seven games. Then the bombshell dropped.

In October of 2010, a story came out on the website Deadspin, alleging that in 2008, Brett Favre had left voicemails and sent obscene texts (dick pics) to a Jets sideline reporter named, Jenn Sterger. Maybe Brett Favre wasn't the demi-god that so many fans worshiped? Was he just some sleazy old dude sexting women? No denial from him, and a rumored teary apology to his teammates only made things worse. Housewives that once adored him began to permanently focus their crushes on Tom Brady. Preachers could no longer include Favre in their Sunday sermons. Fathers had to explain to their sons what "sexting" was...the "Ol' Dick Flasher's" empire was crumbling. In Favre's defense though, Jenn Sterger is insanely hot. When I first saw her picture, my first instinct was to somehow send her a picture of my dick. I sent a mass text photo of Ms. Sterger to my friends, and asked, "Would you send her a dick pic?" The responses ranged from, "I think I already did" and "I would give my left nut to be with her", to some friends just impulsively sending pictures of their genitalia to me (thanks for ruining my life by the way). The NFL investigated the whole scandal and in the end, fined Favre $50,000 for not fully cooperating with them throughout the process. Then in January of 2011, two Jets team massage therapists, claimed the "Sleazy Fox" tried to setup a threesome with them via dirty texts. Nothing came of these accusations either, but one thing about Favre's stint in New York was now clear: There wasn't a "happy ending" on the field or on the massage table.

Even with the season in shambles, Favre remained the fiery competitor he'd always been throughout his career. That is, until a trio of bone-crushing hits nearly killed him. In week 8, Myron Pryor of the Patriots was the first to put a hefty dent in his impenetrable armor. Favre played through the pain for the next few games, then in week 13 against the Bills, he was completely smashed by Arthur Moats. The resulting shoulder injury from this hit, subsequently ended his iron man streak of 297 consecutive games played. Then (as a possible act of god calling for Favre to retire) the Vikings season completely caved in, when a massive blizzard collapsed the Metrodome roof. Minnesota actually had to (wait for it) play a home game in Detroit! After sitting out a week, "The Really 'Ol Gunslinger" decided to try and tough his way through one more start. The Metrodome was still unusable so the Vikings next home game against the Bears was played at The Univerity of Minnesota. The outdoor stadium's field was basically an ice-skating rink and Favre was no D.B. Sweeney ( The Cutting Edge reference). And as it so happened, the final play of Brett Lorenzo Favre's 20-year career came to a violent end at the hands of a rookie, Cory Wootton (his first NFL sack).

Favre watched the final two games of his career as a broken down old man from the sidelines. Below is the last known footage of what some would call, "the greatest", while others might say "the creepiest" quarterback of all-time.

The Best Music Videos of 2010

The new year is upon us once again, which can only mean one thing: The Best Music Videos of 2010 list. Yes folks, the world's most famous year end list is back, and I'll have to say there are a few surprises. Some new faces pop up in the countdown, but a lot of artists from last year are still relevant. One glaring omission, Lady Gaga. Unfortunately, "machine gun boobs" were not good enough to make the countdown (which proves how amazing this year was for videos). Some other artists who almost made the list include: Trina, Mike Epps, Leighton Meester, Kelly Rowland (respect, that Commander video is crazy!) Any hoo, here is our list of the top ten music videos for 2010...

10. Selena Gomez and The Scene-Naturally (Dave Aude Remix): She makes us feel like natural women. Everything comes naturally for her (we can't say the same for her band, The Scene). David Guetta is soooo 2009, 2010 and beyond belongs to Dave Aude.



9. Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber-Eenie Meenie: Justin Bieber eye-fucked his way onto this countdown. The proof is in the video folks. As for Sean Kingston, he ate his way onto the countdown. Eat your hearts out ladies, because if you don't...he will.



8. Miley Cyrus-Who Owns My Heart: Although we wish she would bring back the Party in the U.S.A. vibe, we know that chapter of her life is over. However, we will settle for the bong-smoking, caged bird, club-hopping, scantily clad, raver chick she has grown up to be.



7. Erykah Badu-Window Seat: This video (a great example of artistic expression) tackles numerous hot-button issues, including: political, racial, and sexual. But even Krista Judge can't believe the ass on Erykah Badu. Back, back, back it up and dump it!



6. Nicki Minaj-Right Thru Me: Speaking of backing it up and dumping it...Nicki enters our countdown behind some great artists butt just because she's in the rear, doesn't mean she caused a rumpus when she found out. Ass for the video itself, we wish we could see right thru that shower door.



5. Shakira-Loca: We're loca, loca, loca for this Latin goddess!! As long as she keeps making music and videos, she will be on this list. A one second hip shake would even be enough. When she's 75 and has two fake hips, she will still be on here.



4. Rihanna-Rude Boy: Does she sing about anything other than getting fucked anymore? Seriously, she needs a guy with a big one, that knows how to use it, and can go downtown. If 2010 is any indication of the artistic direction her career is heading in...then we are excited and frightened at the same time!



3. Miss A-Bad Girl, Good Girl: Monsieur Pepe le Peu had four words to say about this South Korean pop group's video: FEI. JIA. MIN. SUZY. We don't know you, we don't know you, we don't know you...but we'd riiiike to.



2. Katy Perry-California Gurls: Machine-gun boobs weren't good enough for this countdown but you know what were...Whipped-Cream Boobs! Katy Perry teamed up with SnoopDogg for this summer smash, and it is still melting our popsicles in sub-zero temperatures.




1. Ciara feat. Ludacris-Ride: On the sixth day, God created Ciara's Ride video. On the seventh day, he masturbated.

An Intelligent Discussion About God and the Universe

A recent text conversation between Monsieur Pepe le Peu and myself, began as any normal chit chat would. Just as we were about to end our friendly exchange, it took a turn down an entirely different path. It all basically started with one word: word. From that starting point, a discussion of religion, politics, science, world history, literature, pop-culture, Greek mythology, time travel, and existentialism commenced. All of the following statements are fact-based and can be backed by numerous references.

Alain Charnier: Are you staying down there the rest of the week then?

Mosieur Pepe le Peu: Probably I might come back Monday.

AC: Word.

MP: To our mothers

AC: To all the mothers of the world

MP: To all the mothers of the universe, both human and alien alike.

AC: To God's Mother, the creator of God. Who in turn, created all the human and alien mothers.

(It gets a little contentious here) MP: Shut up you Catholic! This goes out to Big Bang's mother, the mother of all mothers.

AC: Sorry Pepe, but even Big Bang's mother had a mother...

AC: Big Momma Bang

AC: Starring, Martin Lawrence

MP: Sorry Alain, even Big Momma has a mama and a papa. Mama Cass Immortality versus the ham sandwich.

AC: No Need to apologize Pepe but as you already know... The ham sandwich that Mama Cass Immortality so viciously choked on, was once a pig. This pig had a mother, who's father happened to be Babe the Pig. And Babe's mother was married to a pig named Wilbur. You might remember him from Charlotte's Web...

AC: So my point is, the universe was created by Arnold from Green Acres, the father of Wilbur.

MP: You obviously aren't taking the Muslim perspective into account because god would never be associated with pigs. The true god is George Orwell author of...

MP: Animal Farm

AC: I'm familiar with your false idol/demi-god Orwell. As you know, Orwell wrote it in reference to Stalin, who many Russians (god fearing men themselves) feared. So was Stalin the one true God??? Of course not. This was refuted when...

AC: Marty McFly was time traveling in his DeLorean and stopped in 1955. Then Bill and Ted picked him up and traveled to 1948, where they picked up Orwell.

AC: They all then traveled to 1984. This is where they listened to, and loved the album 1984 by Van Halen.

AC: Soon after there was a struggle for the reign of power over men, between one Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth. Roth claimed victory, left the group and released the subsequent single, California Girls.

AC: Written by the real God, Brian Wilson.

MP: This anti-pinko commie bastard libel means nothing, burn in hell with McCarthy. Is God the holy trinity with David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar?

AC: This is all chronicled in Stephen Hawking's book: A Brief History of Time

MP: Everyone knows Brian Wilson was a puppet of the one True God, Charles

MP: Manson

MP: Key point, A Brief History of Time.

MP: What Hawkings didn't know, was that an Event Horizon can bend space, time, and matter. Thus, making Laurence Fischburne.

AC: The holy trinity is the aforementioned Babe, Wilbur and Arnold.

AC: As for Larry Fischburne...

AC: In Greek mythology he's known as Furious Styles, Styles is the father of Tre. Tre had a pack of wild Snow Dogs, he endured a long and arduous Boat Trip to a place known in the modern world as Daddy Day Camp.

AC: The director of this camp was an evil tyrant named Fred Savage.

AC: Savage is called The God of the Little Monsters by the Greeks. He ruled supremely throughout a time period now referred to by historians as, The Wonder Years.

MP: Kevin was his real name. Thus my complex is complete.

AC: You have a Paul but no Winnie Cooper.

MP: Going 100 in my Mini Cooper.

AC: Or a smart car but you're pushin' a cart from King Soopers.

MP: Got it suped up and fit for a king.

MP: Just picked up the last six-pack of Oberon. Fucking heaven

AC: Did you know, Oberon (also spelled Auberon) is a legendary king of the fairies in medieval and Renaissance literature. He is best known as a character in William Shakespeare's play, A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which he is Consort to Titania, Queen of the Fairies...

AC: I'll stop, good beer though.

MP: You bored or what?

AC: Dying of boredom, I copied that last blurb from Wikipedia.

MP: Me too, just got done with a long shift outside of Chicago.

AC: Oh man, I know that stretch.

MP: Worse stretch than Mandingo on a virgin. P.S. Mandingo came up in predictive text.

AC: I have something jumbling in my head with predictive text and protective sex, but I can't connect the dots yet.

Top Ten Coaching Meltdowns of All-Time

Throughout my life, watching coaches meltdown has been an interest of mine. Observing these guys who are usually by the book, guarded, and boring (basically walking cliches) lose their minds is hilarious to me. These men of integrity and supposed class, can transform into Frank Booth on the drop of a dime. So in their honor, I've put this top ten list together.

10. John McLaren-The Seattle manager pretty much sealed his fate with this f-bomb laden rant. He should have just quit right on the spot, like this fast-food employee did...



9. Mike Singletary-Samurai Mike left us this gem when Vernon Davis turned into a cry-baby diva on the sideline. Memo to Vernon: He will "strike down upon thee with furious anger."



8. Avery Johnson-After Game 5 of the 2006 finals, a game in which Dwyane Wade shot as many free-throws as the entire Mavericks roster, Avery Johnson went gangster in his post game presser. When he sternly warned the writer, "don't stutter", I thought he was going to follow-up with, "I hope you find your way down Compton Ave. muthafucka!"



7. Mike Brown-What's so funny??? I'll tell you what's funny, the Celtics went on to mostly dominate the series, eliminating the Cavs in 6 games. Then Mike Brown got fired and LeBron "took his talents to South Beach". No one's career has imploded this suddenly since a certain intergalactic head-hunter went into self-destruction mode. Now that's hilarious!



6. Hal McRae-All it took was this question: "Did you consider Brett for Miller with the bases loaded in the 7th inning?"And McRae turned into a drunken rock-star in a hotel room. He destroyed anything and everything in his path and ended his tantrum by shouting, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it". It was like a skanky crack whore asked him, "Where's my cat?"



5. Kevin Borseth-This could easily be number 1 on the list. The main reason being, he's a women's college basketball coach. That's right, women's college basketball! Nobody cares "how you feel" Kevin, just coach this boring sport and go away. Of course this is the most memorable thing to ever happen in the history of women's b-ball, so maybe we need more of this. Dude is so pissed, it's like somebody stole his fizzy lifting drink or something...



4. Dennis Green- What causes a coach to meltdown? How about this scenario: Your team is leading the Bears by 20 points late in the 3rd quarter, Matt Leinert fumbles and the defense returns it for a touchdown. Then Edgerrin James fumbles and the defense takes it to the house again. But what caused the meltdown? A rookie named Devin Hester (looking like Deion), returned a punt for another 6 to give the Bears the lead and the eventual win. As for Dennis Green, the word ass hasn't been said with such conviction, since this LAPD lieutenant got downright spiritual with it...




3. Bob Knight-The man, the myth, the legend is on top of his game during this presser, where he completely belittles a reporter. Most people would just answer the question but Knight turns it into a comedic performance for the ages. Every coach who blows a gasket owes a little something to the "Maestro of Meltdowns". Imagine going to breakfast with Bob Knight and it's his turn to order, I bet he would act a lot like this Hollywood icon.



2. Jim Calhoun-Famous quote: "My best advice to you, shut up." Picture Calhoun addressing a graduating class at UConn with these inspirational words of wisdom. I wonder if that reporter ever did get some facts and go back and see him? Maybe Mitch and Murray sent Calhoun to that presser just to verbally murder that poor sap.



1. Mike Gundy-The Gettysburg Address of coaching meltdowns. Something that's been forgotten because of this historic rant, Oklahoma State actually won this game (OSU 49-Texas Tech 45, Michael Crabtree had 14 catches for 237 yards and 3 touchdowns for Tech) . In his presser, Mike Gundy decided it was an opportune time to lay out a female writer, who had labeled his back-up quarterback "fat" in a recent article . Boy am I glad she wrote that because Gundy went bananas. "Come after me! I'm a MAN(iac)! I'm 40! To put it bluntly, Mike Gundy is as "mad as hell".

2nd Up: 100 Octane Bar and Night Club

After I stepped on a bride's wedding gown at Tony's rooftop bar (yeah, there was a brand new bride at Tony's) and then barely escaped an ass-whipping by 7 bridesmaids. We decided for some inexplicable reason, to end the night at 100 Octane.

Some of you might be wondering, What and where is 100 Octane? Well, for the longest time it was Suite 152. Located in Old Town Square, it always prided itself as the classier, more sophisticated alternative to other downtown bars. In reality, it was just where the wanksters and fat girls in tight clothes went, before they hit last call at Tony's. With the advent of UFC, energy drinks and a new ownership group, they transformed "the suite" into "the suite on steroids."

As we attempted to enter the club, we were stopped by the doorman. He informed us there is a strict dress code. To gain access into this exclusive club, you have to wear Ed Hardy, Affliction or Tapout tees. Phebus and I both had white tees on, so we asked for the bouncer's magic marker. I proceeded to draw wings, crosses, shapes and squiggly lines on our blank shirts, soon after we headed back to the door. Not only were we allowed in but we also received numerous compliments and inquiries on where we purchased our gear.

When we finally walked through the door, a huge brawl erupted! That, mixed with the large amount of wannabe hustlers, skanks, and garbage techno blaring, reminded me of this scene from True Romance...



Apparently, it's "white boy day" everyday at this club because when we finally got downstairs to the actual bar, we entered a festival of sausage. It looked like a convention of tools and douche bags. The few stragglers (either rail thin or Mo'Nique fat) we did see were up on top of the bar, grinding out of rhythm to the beat.

It was finally time to order and I was definitely ready to drink myself into a stupor. The bartenders looked like UFC fighters, I'd never seen dudes so yoked serving drinks. The one who looked like Brock Lesnar intimidatingly shouted at us, "WHAT DO YOU FUCKIN' LOSERS WANT!?" Sheepishly I responded, " Uh, uh, a Bud Light." He looked at me with hell in his eyes and said, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? HERE, DRINK THIS YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY." He handed me a Monster energy drink, I took the beverage without arguing. Then it was Phebus's turn, "Yeah, I'll take a rum and coke." There was a pause from the ogre as he gathered the information of what Phebus had said. His face began to redden and he reminded me of a tea kettle slowly boiling on a stove top. I kept waiting for steam to blast from his ears but alas he only mumbled, "You guys are un-fucking-believable." The bartender took a glass and filled it with Red Bull, then he poured a 5 Hour Energy in it. He handed the drink to Phebus and solemnly walked away.

At this point, we are somewhat in a state of shock. We're wearing t-shirts that look like a small child's coloring book, we've witnessed a massive brawl and been accosted (and served energy drinks) by an MMA looking bartender. We decide that it's time to get out before something else bad happens and then...I stepped on a guy's shoe as we're leaving the bar.

Now I'm face to face with some d-bag who looks like "The Situation" from that crapfest Jersey Shore. I apologize and start to walk away but before I can get to the door, all hell breaks loose. Me and Phebus are in the middle of a gelled-hair brawl. In a matter of seconds, I'm on the ground and I've been thrown into an arm-bar submission. The greasy meat-head is screaming, "TAP OUT! TAP OUT!" My arm is burning and feels like it's going to snap off. So in desperation I yell out, "I've got HGH!" The meat-head released my arm and holds out his hand to receive the illegal drugs. Luckily, Phebus has asthma and happens to have his inhaler on him. I took the cartridge from him and purposely dropped it on the ground. When the meat-head bent down to pick it up, we ran like Usain Bolt for the front door. After all that nightmarish mayhem, we needed a low-key place to gain our composure... So we headed back to Tony's for last call.

100 Octane:

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

***** Let me just say that this critique was extremely hard to come up with which is ironic due to the nature of the discussion at hand.

Many of you probably know Georgie Porgie as the young lad who is famous from the above title, however the source of this poem comes from George Villiers, a duke of Buckingham. He was a man who was known for his scandals with many a royal ladies and even a few of the gents (King James I).

What the above poem does not tell you is why Georgie Porgie made the girls cry. Yes he kissed them, but the reason why he made them cry is due to the fact that after he had wooed the ladies to his posh quarters and they had begin to lay together (in the biblical sense) he would have a case of the limpies.


Now I can not speak for the authors of this blog having any experience with Georgie Porgie, for we are French and as the world knows to be fact, the French are the worlds best lovers. This statement might be argued by the Greeks, but if they make love like they run their economy I feel we have little to worry about. We the French are as Michael Jackson said "Lovers, not fighters." And so like Michael and the Fab Foursome we will battle the Greeks for top honors.

There are however many a strong and strapping you lads who unfortunately become afflicted the Georgie Porgie syndrome, mostly after partaking in a few too many libations. These young gents (and the key is young, for it is expected that anyone over the age of 65 who collects Medicare experiences the phenomenon on a regular basis) are so hellbent on performing the horizontal mambo that despite lacking a key ingredient the proceed to "stuff it".

If you are still not getting the picture allow me to be blunt. These gents are trying to put a not so hard skin flute into what is hopefully a rather tight area. It does not work this way, yet man is a persistent beast. I have even heard of such events as a Georgie Porgie Orgy

I do not know why this occurs time and time again, maybe because the XY half of the world has too much pride to be stopped at this point. However, all of the women out there implore these men to humble themselves and ask for directions and try not to prolong an already embarrassing situation.

Overall I give a Georgie Porgie one Eiffel Tower cause it is not fun for anyone involved.





P.S.
Ladies if you are at Tony's on a Wednesday night your chances of encountering this unfortunate marvel will be increased exponentially.